2012

It is officially the second day of 2012, and let me just say it was off to a rocky start. My boyfriend and I went to a new years party with our friends, and all went well until Jake, my boyfriend, started flipping out. He has schizophrenia, and while drinking sometimes has bad episodes. I always tell him to stick to light alcohol, but he always winds up drinking way too much and loses it. The problem is, when he's like that I can't do anything to calm him down, and that makes me feel useless. I'm the one person in his life who is there for him through everything, but when it comes right down to it, I have no idea how to help him. Despite all this, the new year has started with hope for myself and my ED. I have resolutions this year, one is to be healthier and more active, and the other is to stop bulimia. I know if I continue much longer I am going to die, not from malnourishment per say but from anything else that 5 years of making myself throw up will do to anyone's body. I have heard of heart attacks, heart failure, ruptured esophagus, stomachs getting ripped open, among other grotesque things, and it scares me. Not only that but I have not gotten down to my goal weight and stayed there, and I think bulimia is to blame. I believe if I try a non carb non fat diet that I will accomplish a more stable lifestyle and feel better about myself as I lose more weight. My goal for the end of january? To be 120 pounds again.

I feel so...

Lost. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I live day by day, trying to resist the urge to binge, almost always failing, and then trying to do something productive other than work to keep myself from not binging again. The only thing that seems to work is alcohol, and after a blurry night I wake up and do it all over again. When did my life revolve around food this much? It's not even about weight anymore, or about staying thin, it's just about food and keeping as much of it out of me as possible. I am struggling so much to free myself of bulimia's grasp, but I can't seem to do it. I've been told I should talk to someone about this, about everything that goes on in my head, so I've decided to talk to you, whoever reads my blogs, to try and get everything off my chest. I feel so distant from my boyfriend, it's like I don't even know him anymore. I have no friends anymore, just one person that I have a huge history with that I see from time to time. He's good to hang out with and be my distraction from my life, but I can't talk to him about anything serious, he just won't get it. My boyfriend knows about my struggles, but I don't think he understands it. He never tries to help me, in fact he tries to get me to eat which only makes things worse. I haven't been able to sleep for days and he hasn't noticed, in fact, he only ever talks about himself and how horrible his day was and how he can never get enough sleep. I don't sleep at all and my life is hell, but do you hear me complaining? No. I don't tell him how fucked up my mind is or how much pain I'm in, physically and mentally, from my ED. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy... slowly slipping more and more into madness, and the truth is I welcome it. At least when I finally snap I won't have these same thoughts, I wont feel this burning loneliness and I won't feel the need to try so hard to get him to notice me. Fucking hell I sound pathetic. Trying to get my boyfriend who I live with to notice me. If he doesn't, who cares? I don't need it anyway.

Today is an okay day....

Woke up early, had almost no sleep... which kind of sucks considering I have work tonight. I've been doing okay at work, it keeps me busy, and I have to stay on my feet so it keeps me active. I am trying to kick the habit of buying a low fat blueberry muffin every day on my break because I know when I get home I'm just going to eat again and I shouldn't..... I'm trying to slowly train myself to refuse food as a reflex, because after you say no to food you can't change your mind. I'm also trying to teach myself not to eat past 8 pm, since I usually go to bed around midnight so it helps keep my stomach empty before I go to sleep.

I have an apple in front of me that I plan to eat for breakfast. I just want to wait and see how long I can wait to eat it before I do. I've had it for 10 minutes now. Let's see if I can keep it in tact for another 50 minutes.

I've also found a game to play, it's another MMORPG, so it will keep my hands busy when I'm not working or getting ready. It's called perfect world, it's really cool so far. (I'm a huge MMORPG fan)

In other news, I'm in the process of bleaching my hair so that I can dye it fire red. (my hair is pitch black so the bleach is needed)I bleached it once yesterday and my roots went bright yellow and then it faded to dark reddish brown. It looked ridiculous, so I put manic panic blue in it to make it look more funky... and now my kitten is eating my hair.....<.<

Anyway, sorry if this post is a little dull and/or strangely random.. I have had very little sleep so my mind is very tired.

The Stench of Failure.

So I am officially the most useless, pathetic person in the world. I can't even deny my bulimia control over myself. I can't win against her. I'm so lost, I can't figure out what to do anymore. I decided to try to just not eat any solids for at least 3 days, to see if I can control myself better with food after my body gets used to not having it.... I find if I just don't eat at all, it's much easier to not eat for an entire day, and then an entire night, and an entire day again, and the longer I go without eating, the easier it is to not eat. I've decided to ingest nothing but tic tacs, gum, and diet soda. I'm hoping it will help rid my bulimia for good.

I know it sounds silly, but I noticed when I start eating, even a little bit, my body takes control over my mind and I just binge and binge until I feel like I might explode, and then I purge, and I'm so sick of it. I'm stuck at a certain weight, my weight goes up and down every other day, when all I want is to shed the weight, every day, just lose one more pound, and feel the utter weightlessness of myself, feel how amazing being empty is again, like I could just float away.

Pictures of Anime North

All work and no play makes a bulimic.... quite happy actually.

I am starting my summer job at the metro across the street from my apartment tomorrow.I am very nervous, but also hoping that it will keep me busy and at the same time keep my face out of the toilet. I'm really trying to lose weight without throwing up, and I'm hoping this along with the other hobbies I have started to have will help me succeed.

I went to Anime North this weekend. For all of you non-nerds out there, AN is pretty much a star wars convention but for anime and comic book nerds. Anyway, I spent the entire weekend hardly eating and walking all day long, and dancing all night at the raves. I LOOOVEEEDD raving. It was the first time I ever danced in front of people while sober, and to be honest it felt so exhilarating, I have to go to more raves downtown. I'm planning to go to the next free rave in Toronto. Anyway, I have a few pics of Anime north, so I'll put them up as soon as possible.

Frankenbones

I'm back from the dead.

I spent some time travelling, running away from everything. I went to Montreal, and to Ottawa, and I met someone. He's amazing. I couldn't help myself around him, something in his eyes just made me want to tell him everything about me, let him into my soul. I wanted him to see what's really inside of me. We had an amazing week together, and when I moved on, we kept in touch. I found out last week that he thinks of me as a friend, and only a friend. He just thought I was attractive and he needed sexual release. I don't blame him, but it still crushed me.

I'm wavering between the world of the alcoholic, the world of the bulimic, and the world of the anorexic. I don't know where I belong anymore. I'm so stuck where I'm at, which is why I ran in the first place. I'm living with my boyfriend, (I know,if I'm living with a guy why the hell did I go to ottawa and fall for someone else, right?) well I don't have any excuse for it, the heart wants what it wants, but to be honest my boyfriend just isn't the one. He spends more time playing video games and watching things online and getting high and drunk than he does just actually SEEING me, I feel so invisible to him now. We're like strangers pretending to be something we're not. I think he thinks he loves me, but I don't think he really does. His actions prove otherwise. He says he is trying to stop ignoring me, he's trying to spend more time with me, he's trying to be more attentive, but I don't want a guy to have to TRY to do these simple things for me, I want him to WANT to, and just do it, because it's supposed to be the most natural thing in the world when you're in love, isn't it?

Sometimes I feel so uncomfortable in this house, in my own skin, that I can't stand it but I don't know what to do and I become so manic and obsessive over the littlest things that I can't pull my mind away from it, like right now it's 4 am and of course I can't sleep and I'm thinking about my thighs and my gut and how much I ate today and those beers I shouldn't have had and the fact that I just bought a blackberry and I doubt I can afford to pay for it or pay off my old phone bill and I'm so very poor so I can't do anything about my current situation or try to improve my life, all I can do is hope I find a job that sticks so I can get out of here.

I'm going to have to make myself stronger if I'm ever going to get out of this hole I've dug myself into. I just wish I knew how.