2012

It is officially the second day of 2012, and let me just say it was off to a rocky start. My boyfriend and I went to a new years party with our friends, and all went well until Jake, my boyfriend, started flipping out. He has schizophrenia, and while drinking sometimes has bad episodes. I always tell him to stick to light alcohol, but he always winds up drinking way too much and loses it. The problem is, when he's like that I can't do anything to calm him down, and that makes me feel useless. I'm the one person in his life who is there for him through everything, but when it comes right down to it, I have no idea how to help him. Despite all this, the new year has started with hope for myself and my ED. I have resolutions this year, one is to be healthier and more active, and the other is to stop bulimia. I know if I continue much longer I am going to die, not from malnourishment per say but from anything else that 5 years of making myself throw up will do to anyone's body. I have heard of heart attacks, heart failure, ruptured esophagus, stomachs getting ripped open, among other grotesque things, and it scares me. Not only that but I have not gotten down to my goal weight and stayed there, and I think bulimia is to blame. I believe if I try a non carb non fat diet that I will accomplish a more stable lifestyle and feel better about myself as I lose more weight. My goal for the end of january? To be 120 pounds again.

I feel so...

Lost. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I live day by day, trying to resist the urge to binge, almost always failing, and then trying to do something productive other than work to keep myself from not binging again. The only thing that seems to work is alcohol, and after a blurry night I wake up and do it all over again. When did my life revolve around food this much? It's not even about weight anymore, or about staying thin, it's just about food and keeping as much of it out of me as possible. I am struggling so much to free myself of bulimia's grasp, but I can't seem to do it. I've been told I should talk to someone about this, about everything that goes on in my head, so I've decided to talk to you, whoever reads my blogs, to try and get everything off my chest. I feel so distant from my boyfriend, it's like I don't even know him anymore. I have no friends anymore, just one person that I have a huge history with that I see from time to time. He's good to hang out with and be my distraction from my life, but I can't talk to him about anything serious, he just won't get it. My boyfriend knows about my struggles, but I don't think he understands it. He never tries to help me, in fact he tries to get me to eat which only makes things worse. I haven't been able to sleep for days and he hasn't noticed, in fact, he only ever talks about himself and how horrible his day was and how he can never get enough sleep. I don't sleep at all and my life is hell, but do you hear me complaining? No. I don't tell him how fucked up my mind is or how much pain I'm in, physically and mentally, from my ED. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy... slowly slipping more and more into madness, and the truth is I welcome it. At least when I finally snap I won't have these same thoughts, I wont feel this burning loneliness and I won't feel the need to try so hard to get him to notice me. Fucking hell I sound pathetic. Trying to get my boyfriend who I live with to notice me. If he doesn't, who cares? I don't need it anyway.

Today is an okay day....

Woke up early, had almost no sleep... which kind of sucks considering I have work tonight. I've been doing okay at work, it keeps me busy, and I have to stay on my feet so it keeps me active. I am trying to kick the habit of buying a low fat blueberry muffin every day on my break because I know when I get home I'm just going to eat again and I shouldn't..... I'm trying to slowly train myself to refuse food as a reflex, because after you say no to food you can't change your mind. I'm also trying to teach myself not to eat past 8 pm, since I usually go to bed around midnight so it helps keep my stomach empty before I go to sleep.

I have an apple in front of me that I plan to eat for breakfast. I just want to wait and see how long I can wait to eat it before I do. I've had it for 10 minutes now. Let's see if I can keep it in tact for another 50 minutes.

I've also found a game to play, it's another MMORPG, so it will keep my hands busy when I'm not working or getting ready. It's called perfect world, it's really cool so far. (I'm a huge MMORPG fan)

In other news, I'm in the process of bleaching my hair so that I can dye it fire red. (my hair is pitch black so the bleach is needed)I bleached it once yesterday and my roots went bright yellow and then it faded to dark reddish brown. It looked ridiculous, so I put manic panic blue in it to make it look more funky... and now my kitten is eating my hair.....<.<

Anyway, sorry if this post is a little dull and/or strangely random.. I have had very little sleep so my mind is very tired.

The Stench of Failure.

So I am officially the most useless, pathetic person in the world. I can't even deny my bulimia control over myself. I can't win against her. I'm so lost, I can't figure out what to do anymore. I decided to try to just not eat any solids for at least 3 days, to see if I can control myself better with food after my body gets used to not having it.... I find if I just don't eat at all, it's much easier to not eat for an entire day, and then an entire night, and an entire day again, and the longer I go without eating, the easier it is to not eat. I've decided to ingest nothing but tic tacs, gum, and diet soda. I'm hoping it will help rid my bulimia for good.

I know it sounds silly, but I noticed when I start eating, even a little bit, my body takes control over my mind and I just binge and binge until I feel like I might explode, and then I purge, and I'm so sick of it. I'm stuck at a certain weight, my weight goes up and down every other day, when all I want is to shed the weight, every day, just lose one more pound, and feel the utter weightlessness of myself, feel how amazing being empty is again, like I could just float away.

Pictures of Anime North

All work and no play makes a bulimic.... quite happy actually.

I am starting my summer job at the metro across the street from my apartment tomorrow.I am very nervous, but also hoping that it will keep me busy and at the same time keep my face out of the toilet. I'm really trying to lose weight without throwing up, and I'm hoping this along with the other hobbies I have started to have will help me succeed.

I went to Anime North this weekend. For all of you non-nerds out there, AN is pretty much a star wars convention but for anime and comic book nerds. Anyway, I spent the entire weekend hardly eating and walking all day long, and dancing all night at the raves. I LOOOVEEEDD raving. It was the first time I ever danced in front of people while sober, and to be honest it felt so exhilarating, I have to go to more raves downtown. I'm planning to go to the next free rave in Toronto. Anyway, I have a few pics of Anime north, so I'll put them up as soon as possible.

Frankenbones

I'm back from the dead.

I spent some time travelling, running away from everything. I went to Montreal, and to Ottawa, and I met someone. He's amazing. I couldn't help myself around him, something in his eyes just made me want to tell him everything about me, let him into my soul. I wanted him to see what's really inside of me. We had an amazing week together, and when I moved on, we kept in touch. I found out last week that he thinks of me as a friend, and only a friend. He just thought I was attractive and he needed sexual release. I don't blame him, but it still crushed me.

I'm wavering between the world of the alcoholic, the world of the bulimic, and the world of the anorexic. I don't know where I belong anymore. I'm so stuck where I'm at, which is why I ran in the first place. I'm living with my boyfriend, (I know,if I'm living with a guy why the hell did I go to ottawa and fall for someone else, right?) well I don't have any excuse for it, the heart wants what it wants, but to be honest my boyfriend just isn't the one. He spends more time playing video games and watching things online and getting high and drunk than he does just actually SEEING me, I feel so invisible to him now. We're like strangers pretending to be something we're not. I think he thinks he loves me, but I don't think he really does. His actions prove otherwise. He says he is trying to stop ignoring me, he's trying to spend more time with me, he's trying to be more attentive, but I don't want a guy to have to TRY to do these simple things for me, I want him to WANT to, and just do it, because it's supposed to be the most natural thing in the world when you're in love, isn't it?

Sometimes I feel so uncomfortable in this house, in my own skin, that I can't stand it but I don't know what to do and I become so manic and obsessive over the littlest things that I can't pull my mind away from it, like right now it's 4 am and of course I can't sleep and I'm thinking about my thighs and my gut and how much I ate today and those beers I shouldn't have had and the fact that I just bought a blackberry and I doubt I can afford to pay for it or pay off my old phone bill and I'm so very poor so I can't do anything about my current situation or try to improve my life, all I can do is hope I find a job that sticks so I can get out of here.

I'm going to have to make myself stronger if I'm ever going to get out of this hole I've dug myself into. I just wish I knew how.

So.... I didn't die, Yet.

Hey guys! If anyone remembers me anyway. Heheh... yeah... I have no internet at my apartment and thus have had no chance of blogging. Just updating you... I am still with my boyfriend Jacob, we've been together for 11 months now. I am 120 pounds.... so I am progressively getting smaller.... mostly because I am poor and have no money for much else other than rent, booze, cellpone bill, smokes, and soap/shampoo. xD Um... I'm finishing highschool and working part time at a cellphone stand in the city's mall. It's hell. To be honest I'm depressed as hell and I wish I could get the fuck out of here. Here being the world in general. Anywho, if anyone remembers me from way back when, give me a shout! I miss talking to people who get me.

Sorry for not posting!

Hey everyone! I'm so sorry for disappearing on you guys. My computer at my parents house got a virus (again) and I also haven't been living at home, I was kicked out and was staying at my boyfriends house for a while.

Anyway, I am very upset with myself because since I was living at my boyfriends house I was forced to eat. I am sure I've gained weight but I am terrified to see how much I have gained. I would assume maybe 5-10 pounds. -_-

But! Good news is I'm back at my parents house until the end of march, and then I'm getting my own place! I'm so excited, I'll finally be able to go shopping for just my health foods and get back into my old lifestyle again.

In other news, I bought these pills called acaiburn, I looked them up online and saw only positive results from them, so I am hoping they work. Has anyone tried them before? If so, did they work for you? The info I found on them says that they are all natural, from the acai berry, that helps cleanse your body and burn fat. Hopefully this holds true!

Anyways, I hope to keep updating as much as possible. Stay Strong everyone!

Myself.... god I'm terrified

This is my first time revealing myself to you guys! EVER! I'm utterly terrified!

I'm not sure if it's appropriate to put pictures of myself up here in my skivvies.. so until I know I won't get mocked for it here is a couple photos I have taken of myself and that others have taken of me....

Model Measurements?

I'm so confused. I just looked up the typical model measurements and I got this:
Height - 5'9 - 5'11
Bust - 29' - 33'
Waist - 22' - 25'
Hips - 32' - 35'

I measured myself, and I got this:

Height - 5'9
Bust - 35'
Waist - 25'
Hips - 35'

Wait... what? How? I'm not model material. I'm not thin. How the hell???

I tried different measuring tape, I made sure the inches were correct, I measured it again and again and still got the same. What in fresh hell?

Is my perception on my body that horribly fucked up? I don't know. So I've decided to post some pictures of myself up here, I need to know what you guys think. Is this bogus?

Am I really those measurements or are those measurements just not the correct size for a model?

Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified?

I was reading a few other blogs I stumbled across, I came across a bunch of girls who talked about the hate comments they would get from other readers, saying they weren't really sick, that it was disgusting and idiotic of them to try, to WANT to have an eating disorder... I was turning this concept over and over in my head, as I read their blogs, and I thought; isn't wanting to stop eating, wanting to be able to get food out of your body with purging or laxatives or excessive workouts, isn't looking at twig-thin girls who don't eat and wanting to be them a disorder in itself? This chaotic need to be someone they hold in high regard even if that person hates themselves, this dysfunctional view on food and eating, isn't that it's own sickness? So many girls out there see girls who are anorexic/bulimic as strong, in control, powerful, attractive, when it simply isn't so. They strive to become that, because they idolize it. But doesn't that make them just as sick as us?

Didn't all of us who can't seem to get out of this filthy maze of binging, purging and restricting at one point think that way as well?

I don't remember ever having a healthy view on food. I don't remember being happy with myself or with my body. What I do remember is hearing my sister puking in the downstairs bathroom and then come upstairs and plop herself down on the couch with a book, I remember looking at her tiny legs and feeling a twinge of jealousy, a stab hate for what she had, and I didn't have.

But she was sick, and now so am I. Yes maybe I did lose weight, yes maybe guys find me more attractive, girls say "Omg you look so pretty today, omg your so thin! You look good in anything!", but how do I see myself? Fat. Big. I take up too much space. I look at myself in the mirror every morning from every angle, I am obsessed with reflective surfaces and find myself constantly looking into shiny cars, store windows, mirrors, and eyeing my legs, my stomach, my back. I cry when I don't see enough ribs, I grab onto the fat on my hips so hard it hurts, cursing myself for having them. I can't stand looking at myself naked. I can't stand looking at myself with clothes on. I try on 5 different outfits every morning, frustrated to the point of tears because these pants make my hips look big, this top is too short, shows off my FAT belly, this top is too big on me it makes my sides look wider than usual. I always go with a long baggy shirt and sweater, and jeans.

I don"t want any girl to go through what I go through every fucking day of my life

I'm sad.

Wherever I go, whatever I do, I will always have bulimia screaming into my ear. I've tried running; I've tried drowning her voice with drugs and alcohol, I've tried just eating healthy, I've tried eating nothing at all. She always wants more. She's so needy, fat, over-passionate... I hate her.

Yesterday I came home from my boyfriend Jacob's house, what was the first thing I did? Made sure no one was home. Went into the kitchen. Found soup. Found Burgers. Made the soup and three burgers at the same time. Ate the soup first, then the three burgers. Ran to the washroom and puked until I saw blood. Take 2, back in the kitchen to get some water after purging, I see my favorite cookie mix in the cupboard. I make cookies. I eat a bowl of cereal, eat the cookies. All of them. I start purging again, and then break down and cry. I was crying out of frustration for myself, crying at how I can't stop. I just stood there and cried, and then purged the rest, went to my bed, cried, smoked, cried, then my dad came home. He brought me home soup because I'm sick with a cold. I ate the soup and puked. Went back to bed.

I hate myself. I wish I could just stop. I was doing so well. I don't know how I did it before, those 3 months of restricting, I did it so easily. I suppose I kept myself extremely busy, and only purged on occasion, but still. I went weeks eating 0-400 calories a day.

Today marks day 1 of my restriction diet. I don't know how long I will last but enough is enough, I can't live like this anymore. As I said a few posts back, "I'm killing the fat girl."

4 am hunger.

I can't sleep. It's 4 am. I'm guzzling coffee and waiting for 6 am so I can have my apple.

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while I've been very busy! I have good news, I met someone and I think I'm falling head over heels for him. We have so much fun together and he's an amazing guy and we have almost everything in common! I've been spending a lot of my time over at his place, and looking for a job, so I haven't had the time to post anything!

This is just a quick little update, my diet is a little shaky, but I'm on the right track, I have had a few bouts with binging and purging but I am doing better than I was before, so I am proud of myself.

Today I am seeing Jacob, my new infatuation, at around 8 am. I am so excited to see him, we have so much fun just doing nothing at his house, getting drunk off wine, rolling around in bed together talking and laughing and listening to music. I almost never want to leave!

So anyway, hopefully I'll be able to update again soon, hopefully with some good news on my weight (I am terrified to weigh myself and refuse to until I have kept a steady 500 calorie or less intake for at least a week)

I hope you're all doing well! Stay Strong!

Fits of emo rage

Sorry about my last post. I've been not sleeping at all and hardly eating so I've been extremely agitated and just thinking way too much about life and stuff. As you can probably tell by now I have a very negative hateful side to me. Part of me just doesn't see a point in life. The other part sees that my only worth in life is to help other people make their lives better, while I destroy my own.

I have been in this little funk for a few days now, not sure how long it's going to last. I hope I feel better soon though. Maybe I just really need to get drunk.

I hate this.

I have a problem. We all know this and acknowledge this, yet we seldom DO anything about it. Some of us reach out to others to help us. I did that. People know how fucked up I am. Do you know what I noticed? EVERYONE has fucked up views on food. I say I gained 5 pounds they say "Oh well it's just 5 pounds... you can go to the gym and burn it off." I tell them I'm only eating an apple and a salad today they say "That's good. You'll drop those 5 pounds in no time." Is that REALLY how the world thinks?? That restricting is a GOOD thing?? It's not a good thing. It's the same as starving yourself. It DOES hurt your body. It's pathetic. Fucking pathetic. I hate people. I hate society. I hate the way everyone thinks. Our world revolves around skinny celebrities and who is marrying who and who cheated on who, it revolves around diets and drugs and alcohol and how BAD it is for you yet EVERYONE does it or has done it. We fill our time with sports and magazines and television and computers. It's disappointing. I want more. I want life to mean something other than this. I want to make a difference, change the world. I know I never will. Who ever does/did? Hitler? Martin Luther King? They're both dead, and the world is still fucked up. So what does that tell you?

Sorry for this rant. I don't even know how many people are going to hate me for this. I don't really care right now. I'm so frustrated with myself. I'm so pissed off at my life. I don't know what it all means anymore. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, other than survive. And if I do survive... then what? Simply live in this shitty world and try to be happy? How can I ever be content knowing that all I'm doing is coasting through life with my unexceptional goals that I will probably never achieve, and then die in some idiotic way. It will probably be full of irony, my death. I know myself enough to know that. I'll probably die at the hands of some enraged anorexic with lung cancer even though she's never smoked a day in her life, driving way too fast down a main road somewhere. I'll be drunk, smoking a cigarette. Still trying to achieve my goals of getting over making myself barf. Oh the irony.

ugh...FAIL.

Why is it that most of us on here have such a hard time NOT binging? I was thinking about that, I mean I can understand for the people who have bulimia, but why everyone? Is it our body just taking over our brain and eating everything in sight because our bodies NEED FOOD? Yes, I know that's it. It's so true that we are fighting a lost battle. We are denying our bodies the right to eat, it's a basic bodily function, without food we DIE. Yes, it's true. We can't overcome that obstacle. We aren't ABOVE eating. So why is it that we are so disgusted with food? We think it's weak to eat, it's giving in to our disgusting bodies, it's a sin. But is it really a disgusting thing to give yourself energy to LIVE? I don't understand anymore, can't wrap my head around why we do this anymore. All I know is there's nothing else I can do. I NEED to do this, I have to get away from bulimia, anorexia is the only way out to me, if I don't want to get fat. And I don't. It's the biggest fear I have.

I keep having these dreams when I don't binge and purge, I have these dreams of binging. I am sitting there (in my dream) eating tons of delicious food. Cakes, chips, tacos, burgers, fries, chinese food, cookies, fried chicken... and I feel panic because I know all this food is PURE EVIL and I know it will make me fat and I scream at myself to stop eating but I can't, I just can't. I always wake up sweating and very very hungry. I hate these dreams.

I realized I don't know what hunger is anymore. I don't know when I'm full. My body is so fucked up from all this eating disorder crap I can't just eat like a normal person. Eat when hungry, stop when full. It' a simple concept. But I ALWAYS want food. That doesn't mean I'm always hungry, I just always want to eat. When I do eat, I'll eat until I feel like I will explode. Where my stomach is so bloated and uncomfortable if I don't go throw it up I'll die. I want so much to go back to when I was little... before I can remember, when I ate 3 times a day, and I ate snacks and I was full and happy after a meal. For as long as I can remember I have had these fucked up feelings with food. When I was 13 I would come home from school and eat and eat and eat until my parents came home and then I would have dinner. I would of course feel bad about the eating so I would starve all day long. But I would always come home and eat my weight in food.

I want to change this. I hate myself for it. I don't want to be this person anymore. This person who can't think of anything else but food. Who can't go a day without wanting to binge at least 6 times. I hate it.

Fuck the fat girl. I'm killing her.

Editing is for the weak.

As some of you have probably noticed, there are a few errors in my posts.

I have OCD so this bothers me incredibly, but at the same time I'm so busy and just plain lazy to edit it, so I have decided that after I hit that "Publish post" button, there is no going back.

Random and pointless blog FTW!

PAIN.

These two days at the gym really have taken a toll on my body. I woke up this morning super sore.... my calves, thighs, upper arms, shoulders, and abdomen. On a good note I am starting to look slimmer in the stomach area. Huzzah!

I'm dragging myself to the gym today to try and do my usual hour workout... I hope I can actually do the whole thing, my body hurts SO much!

My meal plan today is going to be.... chicken and green beans for breakfast (200 cal) with a diet pill and coffee. (I believe it's smart to make the largest meal of the day breakfast, longer time to burn off those calories and I go to the gym after breakfast anyway!)

After the gym I'll come home and have a yogurt (35 calories)

I'm going to try and get out of the house as much as possible today, so I'll probably wind up seeing a friend for most of the afternoon, then after that I come home and have 100 calories of whatever I feel like... soup, fruit... I was thinking green grapes with water again. I don't know how many I ate but I felt relatively satisfied afterwards!

I have tons of diet beverages: Deit ginger ale (for nausea), a case of diet pepsi, 2 boxes of crystal light, and a 6 pack of this flavoured water that I LOVE.

I have noticed that nicotine does curb my hunger, as does caffeine (which are in my diet pills), also writing in my blog and making/watching my thinspo's..... but most of all the thing that keeps me from binging is simply the thought that I'm in control. That I'm slapping the fat girl in the face and going NO. Bad fat girl. Also the comforting thought that if I don't eat I'll have an empty stomach and if I have an empty stomach I'll feel my stomach eat itself, I'll feel dizzy and giddy with adrenaline. I love the feeling of being empty.

On another note, I hate living in Canada sometimes. It's been snowing so much since christmas and it's so bloody cold out I hate even leaving my house. I love the spring and summers we have here though, and I suppose the harsh winters do make a person appreciate the warm weather much more. I just want wait for winter to be OVER. I want green grass and warm sun and fresh flowers and blue skies!

Anyway, as you can probably tell I'm somewhat in a good mood today.... somewhat. xP
I actually feel so happy and in control and just plain proud of myself for not binging and purging last night. I had my grapes and then I went to bed. It feels great knowing that ignoring bulimia is DO-ABLE.

So wish me luck girlies! I hope you all have good days as well. Stay strong!

The problem with friends

I love my friend Jess, she's really the only friend I have that's female, and it's so easy to hang out with her, and I LOVE that I can smoke as many cigarettes as I want in her house, but there's one problem with her place. She eats..... often. She deosn't eat alot but she'll snack pretty much all day long... and her house is stocked with junk. Chips, breaded fried food, chocolate, candy, pizza, pasta, kraft dinner..... it's my own personal hell. The temptation is overwhelming... and when I don't eat she gets worried, so I do. I try to eat healthy stuff, but she doesn't even have any FRUIT. I honestly don't know how she is so slim from all the junk that she eats.

Anyway.... today I tried to be good when I went to her house after the gym, I only had a 150 calorie cracker package thing... but then she brought out chips. Salty foods are my weakness......

I ate a bowl. I feel gross. But at least I didn't binge and so far I don't plan to. I am having these grapes with my ultra shape pills... and then I'm going to bed.

Tomorrow I plan to do exactly what I did today... minus the morning binge and the chips at Jess's house.

I'm getting closer to my goal. Baby steps....