As some of you have probably noticed, there are a few errors in my posts.
I have OCD so this bothers me incredibly, but at the same time I'm so busy and just plain lazy to edit it, so I have decided that after I hit that "Publish post" button, there is no going back.
Random and pointless blog FTW!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
PAIN.
These two days at the gym really have taken a toll on my body. I woke up this morning super sore.... my calves, thighs, upper arms, shoulders, and abdomen. On a good note I am starting to look slimmer in the stomach area. Huzzah!
I'm dragging myself to the gym today to try and do my usual hour workout... I hope I can actually do the whole thing, my body hurts SO much!
My meal plan today is going to be.... chicken and green beans for breakfast (200 cal) with a diet pill and coffee. (I believe it's smart to make the largest meal of the day breakfast, longer time to burn off those calories and I go to the gym after breakfast anyway!)
After the gym I'll come home and have a yogurt (35 calories)
I'm going to try and get out of the house as much as possible today, so I'll probably wind up seeing a friend for most of the afternoon, then after that I come home and have 100 calories of whatever I feel like... soup, fruit... I was thinking green grapes with water again. I don't know how many I ate but I felt relatively satisfied afterwards!
I have tons of diet beverages: Deit ginger ale (for nausea), a case of diet pepsi, 2 boxes of crystal light, and a 6 pack of this flavoured water that I LOVE.
I have noticed that nicotine does curb my hunger, as does caffeine (which are in my diet pills), also writing in my blog and making/watching my thinspo's..... but most of all the thing that keeps me from binging is simply the thought that I'm in control. That I'm slapping the fat girl in the face and going NO. Bad fat girl. Also the comforting thought that if I don't eat I'll have an empty stomach and if I have an empty stomach I'll feel my stomach eat itself, I'll feel dizzy and giddy with adrenaline. I love the feeling of being empty.
On another note, I hate living in Canada sometimes. It's been snowing so much since christmas and it's so bloody cold out I hate even leaving my house. I love the spring and summers we have here though, and I suppose the harsh winters do make a person appreciate the warm weather much more. I just want wait for winter to be OVER. I want green grass and warm sun and fresh flowers and blue skies!
Anyway, as you can probably tell I'm somewhat in a good mood today.... somewhat. xP
I actually feel so happy and in control and just plain proud of myself for not binging and purging last night. I had my grapes and then I went to bed. It feels great knowing that ignoring bulimia is DO-ABLE.
So wish me luck girlies! I hope you all have good days as well. Stay strong!
I'm dragging myself to the gym today to try and do my usual hour workout... I hope I can actually do the whole thing, my body hurts SO much!
My meal plan today is going to be.... chicken and green beans for breakfast (200 cal) with a diet pill and coffee. (I believe it's smart to make the largest meal of the day breakfast, longer time to burn off those calories and I go to the gym after breakfast anyway!)
After the gym I'll come home and have a yogurt (35 calories)
I'm going to try and get out of the house as much as possible today, so I'll probably wind up seeing a friend for most of the afternoon, then after that I come home and have 100 calories of whatever I feel like... soup, fruit... I was thinking green grapes with water again. I don't know how many I ate but I felt relatively satisfied afterwards!
I have tons of diet beverages: Deit ginger ale (for nausea), a case of diet pepsi, 2 boxes of crystal light, and a 6 pack of this flavoured water that I LOVE.
I have noticed that nicotine does curb my hunger, as does caffeine (which are in my diet pills), also writing in my blog and making/watching my thinspo's..... but most of all the thing that keeps me from binging is simply the thought that I'm in control. That I'm slapping the fat girl in the face and going NO. Bad fat girl. Also the comforting thought that if I don't eat I'll have an empty stomach and if I have an empty stomach I'll feel my stomach eat itself, I'll feel dizzy and giddy with adrenaline. I love the feeling of being empty.
On another note, I hate living in Canada sometimes. It's been snowing so much since christmas and it's so bloody cold out I hate even leaving my house. I love the spring and summers we have here though, and I suppose the harsh winters do make a person appreciate the warm weather much more. I just want wait for winter to be OVER. I want green grass and warm sun and fresh flowers and blue skies!
Anyway, as you can probably tell I'm somewhat in a good mood today.... somewhat. xP
I actually feel so happy and in control and just plain proud of myself for not binging and purging last night. I had my grapes and then I went to bed. It feels great knowing that ignoring bulimia is DO-ABLE.
So wish me luck girlies! I hope you all have good days as well. Stay strong!
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
The problem with friends
I love my friend Jess, she's really the only friend I have that's female, and it's so easy to hang out with her, and I LOVE that I can smoke as many cigarettes as I want in her house, but there's one problem with her place. She eats..... often. She deosn't eat alot but she'll snack pretty much all day long... and her house is stocked with junk. Chips, breaded fried food, chocolate, candy, pizza, pasta, kraft dinner..... it's my own personal hell. The temptation is overwhelming... and when I don't eat she gets worried, so I do. I try to eat healthy stuff, but she doesn't even have any FRUIT. I honestly don't know how she is so slim from all the junk that she eats.
Anyway.... today I tried to be good when I went to her house after the gym, I only had a 150 calorie cracker package thing... but then she brought out chips. Salty foods are my weakness......
I ate a bowl. I feel gross. But at least I didn't binge and so far I don't plan to. I am having these grapes with my ultra shape pills... and then I'm going to bed.
Tomorrow I plan to do exactly what I did today... minus the morning binge and the chips at Jess's house.
I'm getting closer to my goal. Baby steps....
Anyway.... today I tried to be good when I went to her house after the gym, I only had a 150 calorie cracker package thing... but then she brought out chips. Salty foods are my weakness......
I ate a bowl. I feel gross. But at least I didn't binge and so far I don't plan to. I am having these grapes with my ultra shape pills... and then I'm going to bed.
Tomorrow I plan to do exactly what I did today... minus the morning binge and the chips at Jess's house.
I'm getting closer to my goal. Baby steps....
I have FOLLOWERS?!
So, this is the first time I actually realized I have people READING my blog. Up until now I really had no idea. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for the comments, you really helped strengthen me enough to overcome my bulimia.
So my fast failed (Obviously)... I feel incredibly frustrated with myself, and it's not even during the day that I want to eat, I can eat 50-100 calories in one sitting throughout the whole damn day without even WANTING to binge. But.... it's like when evening comes I just get so hungry. I just want to eat and eat and eat. I can't think of anything else and even when I choose to sit and smoke instead and convince myself that the urge will go away..... sometimes it doesn't. I have been binging and purging less though, and I have been eating less and only healthy food when I do binge, so I think if I keep going on this track I will conquer the fat girl.
Oh!!! I started going to this gym near my house! It's so great. I have always wanted a treadmill, and this place has EVERYTHING. I'm in heaven when I go there. I went there last night after having a 220 calorie dinner, and I ran on the treadmill for 30 minutes... I burned 200 calories! I felt so good... so strong. In control of my body, and I must say, it's exhilarating, more exhilarating than binging and purging. I LIKE the nauseous stomach and the faint light-headed...ness... that comes from not eating. I enjoy feeling like I have control. I like knowing that I am going to burn off the calories I just consumed and feeling GOOD about it. I just hope this feeling is enough to stop my bulimia.
I have also started taking these pills... they're called ultra shape, they're like a laxative almost, meant to cleanse your body. I take 3 before dinner and 3 before bed.... so far I have been getting bloated, but that might just be the food I've been eating. I am going to take them for a few more days and if I still see no change I'm going to throw them out.
This brings me to the point of this blog, I was wondering who has tried body cleanses, and if so which ones worked best for you? I also want to start taking diet pills that curb hunger and raise my metabolism... does anyone know of any that work? I don't trust what the internet tells me these days, so I figure I will ask someone who has taken them. So if anyone is taking any of these pills and it's working good for them, please let me know which ones they are, it would be greatly appreciated.
Also a special thanks to Africana, your comments really help me more than you know! It's so good to hear someone else with the same struggles as me, and I know we can both overcome bulimia.
Stay strong everyone!
So my fast failed (Obviously)... I feel incredibly frustrated with myself, and it's not even during the day that I want to eat, I can eat 50-100 calories in one sitting throughout the whole damn day without even WANTING to binge. But.... it's like when evening comes I just get so hungry. I just want to eat and eat and eat. I can't think of anything else and even when I choose to sit and smoke instead and convince myself that the urge will go away..... sometimes it doesn't. I have been binging and purging less though, and I have been eating less and only healthy food when I do binge, so I think if I keep going on this track I will conquer the fat girl.
Oh!!! I started going to this gym near my house! It's so great. I have always wanted a treadmill, and this place has EVERYTHING. I'm in heaven when I go there. I went there last night after having a 220 calorie dinner, and I ran on the treadmill for 30 minutes... I burned 200 calories! I felt so good... so strong. In control of my body, and I must say, it's exhilarating, more exhilarating than binging and purging. I LIKE the nauseous stomach and the faint light-headed...ness... that comes from not eating. I enjoy feeling like I have control. I like knowing that I am going to burn off the calories I just consumed and feeling GOOD about it. I just hope this feeling is enough to stop my bulimia.
I have also started taking these pills... they're called ultra shape, they're like a laxative almost, meant to cleanse your body. I take 3 before dinner and 3 before bed.... so far I have been getting bloated, but that might just be the food I've been eating. I am going to take them for a few more days and if I still see no change I'm going to throw them out.
This brings me to the point of this blog, I was wondering who has tried body cleanses, and if so which ones worked best for you? I also want to start taking diet pills that curb hunger and raise my metabolism... does anyone know of any that work? I don't trust what the internet tells me these days, so I figure I will ask someone who has taken them. So if anyone is taking any of these pills and it's working good for them, please let me know which ones they are, it would be greatly appreciated.
Also a special thanks to Africana, your comments really help me more than you know! It's so good to hear someone else with the same struggles as me, and I know we can both overcome bulimia.
Stay strong everyone!
Monday, December 28, 2009
Day 3
So today is a shitty day. I can't even eat CONTROLLED meals. I got so hungry today.... I binged and purged twice tonight. I just can't seem to sleep and when I can't sleep I get so anxious.... time just stretches ahead of me and I feel panicked and all I want to do is eat and eat and eat to stuff those emotions down. I've been reading Wasted and it's freaky how alike me and Marya are, when she was in her bulimia stage. I want to find out how she got rid of her bulimia... I'm so sick of mine. Marya says in her book that she pictures her ED like stepping into a netherworld, through the looking glass, like she was in another world all inside her head. I picture my bulimia like a little fat girl, screaming for food, wanting to eat everything it can get its hands on. When I don't binge I find I get agitated VERY easily. I picture my anorexia like a quiet thin little girl being smothered by the fat girl, whispering in my ear all the things I shouldn't eat, shouldn't be doing, should be doing this instead.... "Instead of eating this go for a walk, have a few cigarettes, take a few diet pills. You know you'll just regret it after you swallow it" And I DO. I do regret it.
So far the only one who has fucked me over is the little fat girl. She's told me I'll feel better once I binge and purge, I'll still loose weight, I'll still look perfect, I'll be relaxed and I'll be able to rest. But it's not true. I can't sleep even after I binge and purge, I just feel less anxious about the time stretching ahead of me. I don't get thinner I am stuck at 128-133. I don't look good, my eyes are bloodshot and my throat puffs up like a bullfrog and it hurts so much. My parents know about it now and it's so stressful just EATING in the first place around them. It hurts so much that when I puke the only thing my mother does is yell at me for making a mess.
"You better have cleaned up your MESS in the bathroom! You better have used lysol!!! I don't want that bathroom smelling like your disgusting waste!!! That's what it is you know, it's a fucking waste! You're wasting food!" It makes me want to binge and purge MORE because I feel so ashamed, so hurt, so panicked.
I am trying to do something new tomorrow. A new plan. Slowly reducing my calories from 1000 to 0 and then back up to 600. 600 will be my "Maximum amount".
Day 1 - 1000 calories.
Breakfast - fruit, 1 egg (300 cal)
Snack - fruit/veggies (100 cal)
Lunch - Salad/veggies (200 cal)
Snack - Jell-o (40 cal)
Dinner - Fish (200 cal)
Snack - fruit (100 cal)
Total -940 cal
This isn't exactly 1000 calories.... but it's not like I want to get up to that much, I just want to make 1000 my maximum. I think that if I wake up around 11/12 I'll have my breakfast then with my coffee, then everything else follows at 3 hour intervals. I think if I just have smaller meals multiple times a day I can cut out the middle man and not feel the need to binge so intensely. The only problem I foresee is dinner time, because my mother and father LOVE to eat and when they get home from work they make a feast. That is my main time for binging.
The day after this I plan to eat a max of 800 cal.... then 600, then 400, then 200, then 0, and then so on back up till 600. I hope this works...
I'll just cross my fingers and shut my eyes tight and hope the fat girl's screaming fades. I can feel the little thin girl getting stronger. Her voice is growing louder. Soon it will consume me, while I consume nothing.
So far the only one who has fucked me over is the little fat girl. She's told me I'll feel better once I binge and purge, I'll still loose weight, I'll still look perfect, I'll be relaxed and I'll be able to rest. But it's not true. I can't sleep even after I binge and purge, I just feel less anxious about the time stretching ahead of me. I don't get thinner I am stuck at 128-133. I don't look good, my eyes are bloodshot and my throat puffs up like a bullfrog and it hurts so much. My parents know about it now and it's so stressful just EATING in the first place around them. It hurts so much that when I puke the only thing my mother does is yell at me for making a mess.
"You better have cleaned up your MESS in the bathroom! You better have used lysol!!! I don't want that bathroom smelling like your disgusting waste!!! That's what it is you know, it's a fucking waste! You're wasting food!" It makes me want to binge and purge MORE because I feel so ashamed, so hurt, so panicked.
I am trying to do something new tomorrow. A new plan. Slowly reducing my calories from 1000 to 0 and then back up to 600. 600 will be my "Maximum amount".
Day 1 - 1000 calories.
Breakfast - fruit, 1 egg (300 cal)
Snack - fruit/veggies (100 cal)
Lunch - Salad/veggies (200 cal)
Snack - Jell-o (40 cal)
Dinner - Fish (200 cal)
Snack - fruit (100 cal)
Total -940 cal
This isn't exactly 1000 calories.... but it's not like I want to get up to that much, I just want to make 1000 my maximum. I think that if I wake up around 11/12 I'll have my breakfast then with my coffee, then everything else follows at 3 hour intervals. I think if I just have smaller meals multiple times a day I can cut out the middle man and not feel the need to binge so intensely. The only problem I foresee is dinner time, because my mother and father LOVE to eat and when they get home from work they make a feast. That is my main time for binging.
The day after this I plan to eat a max of 800 cal.... then 600, then 400, then 200, then 0, and then so on back up till 600. I hope this works...
I'll just cross my fingers and shut my eyes tight and hope the fat girl's screaming fades. I can feel the little thin girl getting stronger. Her voice is growing louder. Soon it will consume me, while I consume nothing.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Day 2
One slip-up at 2 am this morning. I binged. I didn't purge though. I refuse to purge, until my mouth and throat heals first at least. I have done good so far today, I plan to keep it that way. I bought a book, Wasted, by Marya Hornbacher, it is apparently very good, and also I couldn't find my favorite ED book (More than you can chew) at the chapters near my house. It's HUGE but has such a small collection of ED books it's a little pathetic.
Anyway, today I've had coffee and my multi-vitamin. That's it.
Time is 5:50 pm. I'll report back sometime around midnight.
Anyway, today I've had coffee and my multi-vitamin. That's it.
Time is 5:50 pm. I'll report back sometime around midnight.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Day 1
Middle of day 1. I woke up from my 'cat-nap' 15 minutes ago.
I am extremely proud of myself, because when I was in the kitchen making my coffee I came across chocolate christmas cookies.... and I stood there staring at them for like 2 minutes... my brain going "OH FUCK.... well you can just have a few of these it's still technically morning for you...." But I knew once I started I wouldnt stop and then it would turn into a whole day binge. Again. I don't want that. Only coffee and ice water and pills for me today.
I might be going to see a movie or something later on today, so that will be a good distraction.
I am extremely proud of myself, because when I was in the kitchen making my coffee I came across chocolate christmas cookies.... and I stood there staring at them for like 2 minutes... my brain going "OH FUCK.... well you can just have a few of these it's still technically morning for you...." But I knew once I started I wouldnt stop and then it would turn into a whole day binge. Again. I don't want that. Only coffee and ice water and pills for me today.
I might be going to see a movie or something later on today, so that will be a good distraction.
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