Today is an okay day....

Woke up early, had almost no sleep... which kind of sucks considering I have work tonight. I've been doing okay at work, it keeps me busy, and I have to stay on my feet so it keeps me active. I am trying to kick the habit of buying a low fat blueberry muffin every day on my break because I know when I get home I'm just going to eat again and I shouldn't..... I'm trying to slowly train myself to refuse food as a reflex, because after you say no to food you can't change your mind. I'm also trying to teach myself not to eat past 8 pm, since I usually go to bed around midnight so it helps keep my stomach empty before I go to sleep.

I have an apple in front of me that I plan to eat for breakfast. I just want to wait and see how long I can wait to eat it before I do. I've had it for 10 minutes now. Let's see if I can keep it in tact for another 50 minutes.

I've also found a game to play, it's another MMORPG, so it will keep my hands busy when I'm not working or getting ready. It's called perfect world, it's really cool so far. (I'm a huge MMORPG fan)

In other news, I'm in the process of bleaching my hair so that I can dye it fire red. (my hair is pitch black so the bleach is needed)I bleached it once yesterday and my roots went bright yellow and then it faded to dark reddish brown. It looked ridiculous, so I put manic panic blue in it to make it look more funky... and now my kitten is eating my hair.....<.<

Anyway, sorry if this post is a little dull and/or strangely random.. I have had very little sleep so my mind is very tired.

The Stench of Failure.

So I am officially the most useless, pathetic person in the world. I can't even deny my bulimia control over myself. I can't win against her. I'm so lost, I can't figure out what to do anymore. I decided to try to just not eat any solids for at least 3 days, to see if I can control myself better with food after my body gets used to not having it.... I find if I just don't eat at all, it's much easier to not eat for an entire day, and then an entire night, and an entire day again, and the longer I go without eating, the easier it is to not eat. I've decided to ingest nothing but tic tacs, gum, and diet soda. I'm hoping it will help rid my bulimia for good.

I know it sounds silly, but I noticed when I start eating, even a little bit, my body takes control over my mind and I just binge and binge until I feel like I might explode, and then I purge, and I'm so sick of it. I'm stuck at a certain weight, my weight goes up and down every other day, when all I want is to shed the weight, every day, just lose one more pound, and feel the utter weightlessness of myself, feel how amazing being empty is again, like I could just float away.

Pictures of Anime North

All work and no play makes a bulimic.... quite happy actually.

I am starting my summer job at the metro across the street from my apartment tomorrow.I am very nervous, but also hoping that it will keep me busy and at the same time keep my face out of the toilet. I'm really trying to lose weight without throwing up, and I'm hoping this along with the other hobbies I have started to have will help me succeed.

I went to Anime North this weekend. For all of you non-nerds out there, AN is pretty much a star wars convention but for anime and comic book nerds. Anyway, I spent the entire weekend hardly eating and walking all day long, and dancing all night at the raves. I LOOOVEEEDD raving. It was the first time I ever danced in front of people while sober, and to be honest it felt so exhilarating, I have to go to more raves downtown. I'm planning to go to the next free rave in Toronto. Anyway, I have a few pics of Anime north, so I'll put them up as soon as possible.

Frankenbones

I'm back from the dead.

I spent some time travelling, running away from everything. I went to Montreal, and to Ottawa, and I met someone. He's amazing. I couldn't help myself around him, something in his eyes just made me want to tell him everything about me, let him into my soul. I wanted him to see what's really inside of me. We had an amazing week together, and when I moved on, we kept in touch. I found out last week that he thinks of me as a friend, and only a friend. He just thought I was attractive and he needed sexual release. I don't blame him, but it still crushed me.

I'm wavering between the world of the alcoholic, the world of the bulimic, and the world of the anorexic. I don't know where I belong anymore. I'm so stuck where I'm at, which is why I ran in the first place. I'm living with my boyfriend, (I know,if I'm living with a guy why the hell did I go to ottawa and fall for someone else, right?) well I don't have any excuse for it, the heart wants what it wants, but to be honest my boyfriend just isn't the one. He spends more time playing video games and watching things online and getting high and drunk than he does just actually SEEING me, I feel so invisible to him now. We're like strangers pretending to be something we're not. I think he thinks he loves me, but I don't think he really does. His actions prove otherwise. He says he is trying to stop ignoring me, he's trying to spend more time with me, he's trying to be more attentive, but I don't want a guy to have to TRY to do these simple things for me, I want him to WANT to, and just do it, because it's supposed to be the most natural thing in the world when you're in love, isn't it?

Sometimes I feel so uncomfortable in this house, in my own skin, that I can't stand it but I don't know what to do and I become so manic and obsessive over the littlest things that I can't pull my mind away from it, like right now it's 4 am and of course I can't sleep and I'm thinking about my thighs and my gut and how much I ate today and those beers I shouldn't have had and the fact that I just bought a blackberry and I doubt I can afford to pay for it or pay off my old phone bill and I'm so very poor so I can't do anything about my current situation or try to improve my life, all I can do is hope I find a job that sticks so I can get out of here.

I'm going to have to make myself stronger if I'm ever going to get out of this hole I've dug myself into. I just wish I knew how.

So.... I didn't die, Yet.

Hey guys! If anyone remembers me anyway. Heheh... yeah... I have no internet at my apartment and thus have had no chance of blogging. Just updating you... I am still with my boyfriend Jacob, we've been together for 11 months now. I am 120 pounds.... so I am progressively getting smaller.... mostly because I am poor and have no money for much else other than rent, booze, cellpone bill, smokes, and soap/shampoo. xD Um... I'm finishing highschool and working part time at a cellphone stand in the city's mall. It's hell. To be honest I'm depressed as hell and I wish I could get the fuck out of here. Here being the world in general. Anywho, if anyone remembers me from way back when, give me a shout! I miss talking to people who get me.

Sorry for not posting!

Hey everyone! I'm so sorry for disappearing on you guys. My computer at my parents house got a virus (again) and I also haven't been living at home, I was kicked out and was staying at my boyfriends house for a while.

Anyway, I am very upset with myself because since I was living at my boyfriends house I was forced to eat. I am sure I've gained weight but I am terrified to see how much I have gained. I would assume maybe 5-10 pounds. -_-

But! Good news is I'm back at my parents house until the end of march, and then I'm getting my own place! I'm so excited, I'll finally be able to go shopping for just my health foods and get back into my old lifestyle again.

In other news, I bought these pills called acaiburn, I looked them up online and saw only positive results from them, so I am hoping they work. Has anyone tried them before? If so, did they work for you? The info I found on them says that they are all natural, from the acai berry, that helps cleanse your body and burn fat. Hopefully this holds true!

Anyways, I hope to keep updating as much as possible. Stay Strong everyone!