Monday, September 12, 2011
Lost. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I live day by day, trying to resist the urge to binge, almost always failing, and then trying to do something productive other than work to keep myself from not binging again. The only thing that seems to work is alcohol, and after a blurry night I wake up and do it all over again. When did my life revolve around food this much? It's not even about weight anymore, or about staying thin, it's just about food and keeping as much of it out of me as possible. I am struggling so much to free myself of bulimia's grasp, but I can't seem to do it. I've been told I should talk to someone about this, about everything that goes on in my head, so I've decided to talk to you, whoever reads my blogs, to try and get everything off my chest. I feel so distant from my boyfriend, it's like I don't even know him anymore. I have no friends anymore, just one person that I have a huge history with that I see from time to time. He's good to hang out with and be my distraction from my life, but I can't talk to him about anything serious, he just won't get it. My boyfriend knows about my struggles, but I don't think he understands it. He never tries to help me, in fact he tries to get me to eat which only makes things worse. I haven't been able to sleep for days and he hasn't noticed, in fact, he only ever talks about himself and how horrible his day was and how he can never get enough sleep. I don't sleep at all and my life is hell, but do you hear me complaining? No. I don't tell him how fucked up my mind is or how much pain I'm in, physically and mentally, from my ED. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy... slowly slipping more and more into madness, and the truth is I welcome it. At least when I finally snap I won't have these same thoughts, I wont feel this burning loneliness and I won't feel the need to try so hard to get him to notice me. Fucking hell I sound pathetic. Trying to get my boyfriend who I live with to notice me. If he doesn't, who cares? I don't need it anyway.