Thursday, June 2, 2011

Today is an okay day....

Woke up early, had almost no sleep... which kind of sucks considering I have work tonight. I've been doing okay at work, it keeps me busy, and I have to stay on my feet so it keeps me active. I am trying to kick the habit of buying a low fat blueberry muffin every day on my break because I know when I get home I'm just going to eat again and I shouldn't..... I'm trying to slowly train myself to refuse food as a reflex, because after you say no to food you can't change your mind. I'm also trying to teach myself not to eat past 8 pm, since I usually go to bed around midnight so it helps keep my stomach empty before I go to sleep.

I have an apple in front of me that I plan to eat for breakfast. I just want to wait and see how long I can wait to eat it before I do. I've had it for 10 minutes now. Let's see if I can keep it in tact for another 50 minutes.

I've also found a game to play, it's another MMORPG, so it will keep my hands busy when I'm not working or getting ready. It's called perfect world, it's really cool so far. (I'm a huge MMORPG fan)

In other news, I'm in the process of bleaching my hair so that I can dye it fire red. (my hair is pitch black so the bleach is needed)I bleached it once yesterday and my roots went bright yellow and then it faded to dark reddish brown. It looked ridiculous, so I put manic panic blue in it to make it look more funky... and now my kitten is eating my hair.....<.<

Anyway, sorry if this post is a little dull and/or strangely random.. I have had very little sleep so my mind is very tired.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The Stench of Failure.

So I am officially the most useless, pathetic person in the world. I can't even deny my bulimia control over myself. I can't win against her. I'm so lost, I can't figure out what to do anymore. I decided to try to just not eat any solids for at least 3 days, to see if I can control myself better with food after my body gets used to not having it.... I find if I just don't eat at all, it's much easier to not eat for an entire day, and then an entire night, and an entire day again, and the longer I go without eating, the easier it is to not eat. I've decided to ingest nothing but tic tacs, gum, and diet soda. I'm hoping it will help rid my bulimia for good.

I know it sounds silly, but I noticed when I start eating, even a little bit, my body takes control over my mind and I just binge and binge until I feel like I might explode, and then I purge, and I'm so sick of it. I'm stuck at a certain weight, my weight goes up and down every other day, when all I want is to shed the weight, every day, just lose one more pound, and feel the utter weightlessness of myself, feel how amazing being empty is again, like I could just float away.

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