Sunday, February 7, 2010

Myself.... god I'm terrified

This is my first time revealing myself to you guys! EVER! I'm utterly terrified!

I'm not sure if it's appropriate to put pictures of myself up here in my skivvies.. so until I know I won't get mocked for it here is a couple photos I have taken of myself and that others have taken of me....

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Model Measurements?

I'm so confused. I just looked up the typical model measurements and I got this:
Height - 5'9 - 5'11
Bust - 29' - 33'
Waist - 22' - 25'
Hips - 32' - 35'

I measured myself, and I got this:

Height - 5'9
Bust - 35'
Waist - 25'
Hips - 35'

Wait... what? How? I'm not model material. I'm not thin. How the hell???

I tried different measuring tape, I made sure the inches were correct, I measured it again and again and still got the same. What in fresh hell?

Is my perception on my body that horribly fucked up? I don't know. So I've decided to post some pictures of myself up here, I need to know what you guys think. Is this bogus?

Am I really those measurements or are those measurements just not the correct size for a model?

Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified?

I was reading a few other blogs I stumbled across, I came across a bunch of girls who talked about the hate comments they would get from other readers, saying they weren't really sick, that it was disgusting and idiotic of them to try, to WANT to have an eating disorder... I was turning this concept over and over in my head, as I read their blogs, and I thought; isn't wanting to stop eating, wanting to be able to get food out of your body with purging or laxatives or excessive workouts, isn't looking at twig-thin girls who don't eat and wanting to be them a disorder in itself? This chaotic need to be someone they hold in high regard even if that person hates themselves, this dysfunctional view on food and eating, isn't that it's own sickness? So many girls out there see girls who are anorexic/bulimic as strong, in control, powerful, attractive, when it simply isn't so. They strive to become that, because they idolize it. But doesn't that make them just as sick as us?

Didn't all of us who can't seem to get out of this filthy maze of binging, purging and restricting at one point think that way as well?

I don't remember ever having a healthy view on food. I don't remember being happy with myself or with my body. What I do remember is hearing my sister puking in the downstairs bathroom and then come upstairs and plop herself down on the couch with a book, I remember looking at her tiny legs and feeling a twinge of jealousy, a stab hate for what she had, and I didn't have.

But she was sick, and now so am I. Yes maybe I did lose weight, yes maybe guys find me more attractive, girls say "Omg you look so pretty today, omg your so thin! You look good in anything!", but how do I see myself? Fat. Big. I take up too much space. I look at myself in the mirror every morning from every angle, I am obsessed with reflective surfaces and find myself constantly looking into shiny cars, store windows, mirrors, and eyeing my legs, my stomach, my back. I cry when I don't see enough ribs, I grab onto the fat on my hips so hard it hurts, cursing myself for having them. I can't stand looking at myself naked. I can't stand looking at myself with clothes on. I try on 5 different outfits every morning, frustrated to the point of tears because these pants make my hips look big, this top is too short, shows off my FAT belly, this top is too big on me it makes my sides look wider than usual. I always go with a long baggy shirt and sweater, and jeans.

I don"t want any girl to go through what I go through every fucking day of my life

I'm sad.

Wherever I go, whatever I do, I will always have bulimia screaming into my ear. I've tried running; I've tried drowning her voice with drugs and alcohol, I've tried just eating healthy, I've tried eating nothing at all. She always wants more. She's so needy, fat, over-passionate... I hate her.

Yesterday I came home from my boyfriend Jacob's house, what was the first thing I did? Made sure no one was home. Went into the kitchen. Found soup. Found Burgers. Made the soup and three burgers at the same time. Ate the soup first, then the three burgers. Ran to the washroom and puked until I saw blood. Take 2, back in the kitchen to get some water after purging, I see my favorite cookie mix in the cupboard. I make cookies. I eat a bowl of cereal, eat the cookies. All of them. I start purging again, and then break down and cry. I was crying out of frustration for myself, crying at how I can't stop. I just stood there and cried, and then purged the rest, went to my bed, cried, smoked, cried, then my dad came home. He brought me home soup because I'm sick with a cold. I ate the soup and puked. Went back to bed.

I hate myself. I wish I could just stop. I was doing so well. I don't know how I did it before, those 3 months of restricting, I did it so easily. I suppose I kept myself extremely busy, and only purged on occasion, but still. I went weeks eating 0-400 calories a day.

Today marks day 1 of my restriction diet. I don't know how long I will last but enough is enough, I can't live like this anymore. As I said a few posts back, "I'm killing the fat girl."

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

4 am hunger.

I can't sleep. It's 4 am. I'm guzzling coffee and waiting for 6 am so I can have my apple.

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while I've been very busy! I have good news, I met someone and I think I'm falling head over heels for him. We have so much fun together and he's an amazing guy and we have almost everything in common! I've been spending a lot of my time over at his place, and looking for a job, so I haven't had the time to post anything!

This is just a quick little update, my diet is a little shaky, but I'm on the right track, I have had a few bouts with binging and purging but I am doing better than I was before, so I am proud of myself.

Today I am seeing Jacob, my new infatuation, at around 8 am. I am so excited to see him, we have so much fun just doing nothing at his house, getting drunk off wine, rolling around in bed together talking and laughing and listening to music. I almost never want to leave!

So anyway, hopefully I'll be able to update again soon, hopefully with some good news on my weight (I am terrified to weigh myself and refuse to until I have kept a steady 500 calorie or less intake for at least a week)

I hope you're all doing well! Stay Strong!