Wherever I go, whatever I do, I will always have bulimia screaming into my ear. I've tried running; I've tried drowning her voice with drugs and alcohol, I've tried just eating healthy, I've tried eating nothing at all. She always wants more. She's so needy, fat, over-passionate... I hate her.
Yesterday I came home from my boyfriend Jacob's house, what was the first thing I did? Made sure no one was home. Went into the kitchen. Found soup. Found Burgers. Made the soup and three burgers at the same time. Ate the soup first, then the three burgers. Ran to the washroom and puked until I saw blood. Take 2, back in the kitchen to get some water after purging, I see my favorite cookie mix in the cupboard. I make cookies. I eat a bowl of cereal, eat the cookies. All of them. I start purging again, and then break down and cry. I was crying out of frustration for myself, crying at how I can't stop. I just stood there and cried, and then purged the rest, went to my bed, cried, smoked, cried, then my dad came home. He brought me home soup because I'm sick with a cold. I ate the soup and puked. Went back to bed.
I hate myself. I wish I could just stop. I was doing so well. I don't know how I did it before, those 3 months of restricting, I did it so easily. I suppose I kept myself extremely busy, and only purged on occasion, but still. I went weeks eating 0-400 calories a day.
Today marks day 1 of my restriction diet. I don't know how long I will last but enough is enough, I can't live like this anymore. As I said a few posts back, "I'm killing the fat girl."