Wherever I go, whatever I do, I will always have bulimia screaming into my ear. I've tried running; I've tried drowning her voice with drugs and alcohol, I've tried just eating healthy, I've tried eating nothing at all. She always wants more. She's so needy, fat, over-passionate... I hate her.
Yesterday I came home from my boyfriend Jacob's house, what was the first thing I did? Made sure no one was home. Went into the kitchen. Found soup. Found Burgers. Made the soup and three burgers at the same time. Ate the soup first, then the three burgers. Ran to the washroom and puked until I saw blood. Take 2, back in the kitchen to get some water after purging, I see my favorite cookie mix in the cupboard. I make cookies. I eat a bowl of cereal, eat the cookies. All of them. I start purging again, and then break down and cry. I was crying out of frustration for myself, crying at how I can't stop. I just stood there and cried, and then purged the rest, went to my bed, cried, smoked, cried, then my dad came home. He brought me home soup because I'm sick with a cold. I ate the soup and puked. Went back to bed.
I hate myself. I wish I could just stop. I was doing so well. I don't know how I did it before, those 3 months of restricting, I did it so easily. I suppose I kept myself extremely busy, and only purged on occasion, but still. I went weeks eating 0-400 calories a day.
Today marks day 1 of my restriction diet. I don't know how long I will last but enough is enough, I can't live like this anymore. As I said a few posts back, "I'm killing the fat girl."
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I'm so sorry that you're sad. I'm sad with you. I hate hating myself. I hate the fact that so many of us are caught up in this disease that we love and despise, a disorder we'd be lost without... and though we find a sense of solidarity here, in this community of strangers who are friends, we all still feel so alone.
ReplyDeleteYour pain has touched me this morning, but the resolve with which you end this post has touched me again. You're uncertain as to how long you will last in your restriction, but you're determined to try your hardest. I admire that. Here am I, aspiring for a BMI just like yours (current is about 20.7), knowing even now that I won't be happy when I get there. Does that stop me? Of course not. Not yet.
For what it's worth, I'm in your corner. Rooting for you and your restriction. I am only a stranger to you, and you to me, but I genuinely want you to be un-sad. I hope you are well today... Stay lovely, dear.
<3
Restriction will only lead to another inevitable binge. The longer you try to keep this up, the longer the cycle will continue.
ReplyDeleteIt's just not worth it...decide today you want to be free. It IS possible, but you need to feed your body in order to overcome this - the more undernourished you are, the more intense the cravings will be. You are a LONG way from fat, my friend.