Saturday, February 6, 2010

Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified?

I was reading a few other blogs I stumbled across, I came across a bunch of girls who talked about the hate comments they would get from other readers, saying they weren't really sick, that it was disgusting and idiotic of them to try, to WANT to have an eating disorder... I was turning this concept over and over in my head, as I read their blogs, and I thought; isn't wanting to stop eating, wanting to be able to get food out of your body with purging or laxatives or excessive workouts, isn't looking at twig-thin girls who don't eat and wanting to be them a disorder in itself? This chaotic need to be someone they hold in high regard even if that person hates themselves, this dysfunctional view on food and eating, isn't that it's own sickness? So many girls out there see girls who are anorexic/bulimic as strong, in control, powerful, attractive, when it simply isn't so. They strive to become that, because they idolize it. But doesn't that make them just as sick as us?

Didn't all of us who can't seem to get out of this filthy maze of binging, purging and restricting at one point think that way as well?

I don't remember ever having a healthy view on food. I don't remember being happy with myself or with my body. What I do remember is hearing my sister puking in the downstairs bathroom and then come upstairs and plop herself down on the couch with a book, I remember looking at her tiny legs and feeling a twinge of jealousy, a stab hate for what she had, and I didn't have.

But she was sick, and now so am I. Yes maybe I did lose weight, yes maybe guys find me more attractive, girls say "Omg you look so pretty today, omg your so thin! You look good in anything!", but how do I see myself? Fat. Big. I take up too much space. I look at myself in the mirror every morning from every angle, I am obsessed with reflective surfaces and find myself constantly looking into shiny cars, store windows, mirrors, and eyeing my legs, my stomach, my back. I cry when I don't see enough ribs, I grab onto the fat on my hips so hard it hurts, cursing myself for having them. I can't stand looking at myself naked. I can't stand looking at myself with clothes on. I try on 5 different outfits every morning, frustrated to the point of tears because these pants make my hips look big, this top is too short, shows off my FAT belly, this top is too big on me it makes my sides look wider than usual. I always go with a long baggy shirt and sweater, and jeans.

I don"t want any girl to go through what I go through every fucking day of my life

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