Monday, December 28, 2009

Day 3

So today is a shitty day. I can't even eat CONTROLLED meals. I got so hungry today.... I binged and purged twice tonight. I just can't seem to sleep and when I can't sleep I get so anxious.... time just stretches ahead of me and I feel panicked and all I want to do is eat and eat and eat to stuff those emotions down. I've been reading Wasted and it's freaky how alike me and Marya are, when she was in her bulimia stage. I want to find out how she got rid of her bulimia... I'm so sick of mine. Marya says in her book that she pictures her ED like stepping into a netherworld, through the looking glass, like she was in another world all inside her head. I picture my bulimia like a little fat girl, screaming for food, wanting to eat everything it can get its hands on. When I don't binge I find I get agitated VERY easily. I picture my anorexia like a quiet thin little girl being smothered by the fat girl, whispering in my ear all the things I shouldn't eat, shouldn't be doing, should be doing this instead.... "Instead of eating this go for a walk, have a few cigarettes, take a few diet pills. You know you'll just regret it after you swallow it" And I DO. I do regret it.

So far the only one who has fucked me over is the little fat girl. She's told me I'll feel better once I binge and purge, I'll still loose weight, I'll still look perfect, I'll be relaxed and I'll be able to rest. But it's not true. I can't sleep even after I binge and purge, I just feel less anxious about the time stretching ahead of me. I don't get thinner I am stuck at 128-133. I don't look good, my eyes are bloodshot and my throat puffs up like a bullfrog and it hurts so much. My parents know about it now and it's so stressful just EATING in the first place around them. It hurts so much that when I puke the only thing my mother does is yell at me for making a mess.

"You better have cleaned up your MESS in the bathroom! You better have used lysol!!! I don't want that bathroom smelling like your disgusting waste!!! That's what it is you know, it's a fucking waste! You're wasting food!" It makes me want to binge and purge MORE because I feel so ashamed, so hurt, so panicked.

I am trying to do something new tomorrow. A new plan. Slowly reducing my calories from 1000 to 0 and then back up to 600. 600 will be my "Maximum amount".

Day 1 - 1000 calories.
Breakfast - fruit, 1 egg (300 cal)
Snack - fruit/veggies (100 cal)
Lunch - Salad/veggies (200 cal)
Snack - Jell-o (40 cal)
Dinner - Fish (200 cal)
Snack - fruit (100 cal)
Total -940 cal

This isn't exactly 1000 calories.... but it's not like I want to get up to that much, I just want to make 1000 my maximum. I think that if I wake up around 11/12 I'll have my breakfast then with my coffee, then everything else follows at 3 hour intervals. I think if I just have smaller meals multiple times a day I can cut out the middle man and not feel the need to binge so intensely. The only problem I foresee is dinner time, because my mother and father LOVE to eat and when they get home from work they make a feast. That is my main time for binging.

The day after this I plan to eat a max of 800 cal.... then 600, then 400, then 200, then 0, and then so on back up till 600. I hope this works...

I'll just cross my fingers and shut my eyes tight and hope the fat girl's screaming fades. I can feel the little thin girl getting stronger. Her voice is growing louder. Soon it will consume me, while I consume nothing.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Day 2

One slip-up at 2 am this morning. I binged. I didn't purge though. I refuse to purge, until my mouth and throat heals first at least. I have done good so far today, I plan to keep it that way. I bought a book, Wasted, by Marya Hornbacher, it is apparently very good, and also I couldn't find my favorite ED book (More than you can chew) at the chapters near my house. It's HUGE but has such a small collection of ED books it's a little pathetic.

Anyway, today I've had coffee and my multi-vitamin. That's it.

Time is 5:50 pm. I'll report back sometime around midnight.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Day 1

Middle of day 1. I woke up from my 'cat-nap' 15 minutes ago.

I am extremely proud of myself, because when I was in the kitchen making my coffee I came across chocolate christmas cookies.... and I stood there staring at them for like 2 minutes... my brain going "OH FUCK.... well you can just have a few of these it's still technically morning for you...." But I knew once I started I wouldnt stop and then it would turn into a whole day binge. Again. I don't want that. Only coffee and ice water and pills for me today.

I might be going to see a movie or something later on today, so that will be a good distraction.

Day 1

Without food. I can't sleep. I'm reading Deadpool. (For all of you non-comic book geeks out there, it's a comic.... my favorite comic actually.) Wanna see?

Hahaha. That shit always makes me giggle.

Anyway, I'm planning on getting another piercing soon, I have my lip and my belly button pierced, along with bats tattoed on my hips. My next amazing idea is to get the Spider-man symbol tattooed to my wrist. Yes I love Spider-man that much. Why am I talking about comics and body modifications on a ED blog? I dunno... maybe just to distract myself from the obvious fact that I'm FAT from all that eating I did yesterday.... -_-

Anyway, I plan to post a short little update twice a day until thursday, to keep myself on track with my fast. Wish me luck. <3

Friday, December 25, 2009

I am a promiscuous Anorexic/Bulimic with attachment issues, OCD, ADHD, anxiety, and depression.

Yes apparently I have been diagnosed with all of these. I'm a horrible, horrible person. I shall explain to you how I am each of these things, simply because this is my blog, so I can do whatever the hell I want to, and no one would read it anyway.

I'm promiscuous because I like sex. I will let almost any guy have sex with me, but only if I have no real feelings for him. If I actually CARE about him, then I am incredibly self conscious and declined to do it. (Declined? Inclined? Whatever.)

I am obviously anorexic/bulimic, that in itself is self explanatory. (See ENTIRE BLOG for details.)

I have attachment issues because I never let anyone close to me, as soon as I start feeling more attached to another human being I automatically push him/her away, I need my personal space, I don't like human intimacy all that much and I don't like being touched a lot either. This is obviously bad for relationships, so I can't maintain one to save my life. I am technically in one now, with a rather inexperienced guy, who is smart and funny and sweet, but we are pretty dysfunctional, and he knows all about my problems. He worries about me, I hurt him and I know I do, I upset him when I'm anti social and when I don't want him to touch me. What kind of person doesn't want their significant other to touch them?? I'm fucked.

I have OCD in a few different ways, nothing major, but they can be quite annoying. I always have short nails because I can't maintain long ones, if one chips or one is shorter than the rest, I have to make them ALL the same length. I hate uneven nails. I have this urge to rip labels off of everything; lighters, water bottles, beer bottles, tags, alcohol and any other miscellaneous item with a sticky tag. If someone takes said item away from me mid-rip, or before I have started ripping it off, I will throw a fit. I have to have the volume on a tv or radio at intervals of 5, for example 5, 10, 15, 20, etc. If someone changes the volume to say, 13, I will have to change it back or else I will never stop thinking about it the rest of the day. Pretty silly isn't it?

My ADHD is probably my only sunshine on a rainy day. I am naturally hyper, quick to laugh, although I tend to laugh at horrid things, I have trouble remembering things like peoples names and faces and other unimportant things, but useless facts and knowledge about things I remember for years. For example, I still remember my phone number for the place I grew up in, that I moved out of 14 years ago, (266 3892) yet I can't remember what I had for breakfast or the name of the girl that was introduced to me the other day at a christmas party. I can't ever stop moving, even now as I am sitting in this chair I am bouncing one of my legs up and down.

I have had multiple anxiety attacks and am just an all around nervous person most of the time. I am jittery and talk alot, which can also stem from my ADHD, but I also don't like being stared at, I don't like attention in general, and sometimes I struggle to breathe in situations where I am the center of attention.

Depression is easy. I am unmotivated to get on with my life simple because I know there's nothing good out there for me. I don't see a point in getting a job and moving out other than it will be easier to bask in my eating disorder. I don't see a point in socializing other than the fact that it will keep me occupied, keep me from feeling lonely. I would much rather lay in my bed all day with the curtains drawn to keep out the daylight and just listen to my mp3 player for hours and hours.

I am sharing this with you all now (whoever you may be, and if you're still here, wow. I feel sorry for you) because I had a 6 hour talk with the male version of myself. Minus the eating disorder. He is so incredibly interesting I could talk to him for days and days without even looking away.

I want to see him soon.

2 days of hell.

Spent yesterday eating and puking, all those fucking holiday treats and christmas dinner. Gross.

I then got drunk and wound up having sex with a friend I hadn't seen in ages. Alcohol on an empty stomach is STUPID. I passed out at 4 am woke up at 10 with a hangover, and still a bit drunk. When I'm drunk I don't care about my weight and I EAT. So today, guess what? I ate and ate and ate. I am refraining from puking again, but I am going to fast for the next 3 days. Coffee and icewater and cigarettes. That's IT.

Fuck my life.

Thursday, December 24, 2009


It's christmas eve, the family dinner is tonight. I am trying to fast. I think I will have the strength to refuse food. I can just say I'm not hungry. Can't I?

I'll report back as soon as possible.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009


I hate this. I hate myself for being this fucked up. I can't even maintain a romantic relationship I'm too scared of getting close to anyone. I have been struggling so much with my bulimia, and I can't sleep unless I binge and purge. So here I am at 4 am trying to ignore the fattie inside of my head screaming at me to go to the fridge and get something, ANYTHING, to just inhale and purge. I don't know when this got so bad, I don't know how the voice of anorexia became a faint whisper and the voice of my bulimia just became a constant scream. It fills my head, all I can think of is food, food, food, eat, eat, eat, eat, binge purge. 'You know you want that chicken, and maybe that rice, and then some bread to top it off. Remember to drink water, lots of water, in between bites. Remember to grab your toothbrush from your room before you go to the bathroom and get rid of it all" The voice goes on and on in my head.

I'm trying to concentrate on the tiny voice of ana, trying to think about how much I DON'T want to be this person anymore, how much I disgust myself. I could be so strong if I just got over this. Things will get better if I just make it over this hurdle. Eventually I'll be able to sleep again, eventually I'll be able to NOT want that bag of chips in the cupboard... I hope.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Goodbye forever, Bulimia

I had an epiphany last night after binging and purging for the second time in one night, and I would up rupturing my esophagus and throwing up blood. I realized how out of control I was. I also realized if I didn't stop myself now and get back in control I will die. I have embraced my ana tendencies and hope that I can regain control over what goes in my mouth, if I ever want to save myself.

I wish I had someone to talk to that understood this feeling. It's depressing me to no end but I have hope for the future... maybe one day I will be happy.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Christmas time and bulimia

So it is officially december, less than a month away from christmas. I have mixed feelings about christmas, it fuels the fat little bulimic inside of me. I LOVE stuffing and turkey and gravy, and all the desserts and christmas cookies and the christmas chocolates my mom stuffs my stocking full of every year. It's just hard to control myself, it's starting to get harder and harder, and I'm actually a bit terrified. This is the reason why I haven't posted in a while, not that anyone reads these things anyway. I've been struggling with my bulimia for the past few weeks. It's ridiculous, I wake up each morning thinking "Okay I can do this, coffee for breakfast, maybe an apple, and then nothing all day, when I come home at night, I can have a salad with veggies or just veggies. That's it."
But when I come home and I see and smell the food my mom made for dinner for her and my dad.... I just lose control. Once I take that first little bite, even if it's just a piece of carrot, my mind just stops working and my body goes into this little frenzy and grabs like everything it can find and I just eat and eat and eat and eat until I'm so full I'm bloated and then my brain walks in and sees what my body has done and I flip out. I run to the washroom and puke. I can't control it. I can barely control it when I'm not eating all day, but when I get home at night it's just... terrible. I've done that up to 4 times in one night, and it's taking it's toll. My mouth feels raw, my throat hurts, my cheeks are slightly swollen, my eyes go bloodshot when I do it, I have all these sores in my mouth, and now I have to eat SO MUCH it's like I can't stop until all the food is gone. I'm so scared that one of these days I'm going to rip open my stomach or puncture my esophagus or even have a hernia. I'm terrified of what I can't control and I need my anorexia more than ever, to save me, in a sense. Because I know I will never eat normally and not puke. I wish I had someone to talk to, that's going through this as well, all the blogs about ED's on here tend to be about Ana, but there are people who suffer from MIA as well. I hope I reach some of them.