So today is a shitty day. I can't even eat CONTROLLED meals. I got so hungry today.... I binged and purged twice tonight. I just can't seem to sleep and when I can't sleep I get so anxious.... time just stretches ahead of me and I feel panicked and all I want to do is eat and eat and eat to stuff those emotions down. I've been reading Wasted and it's freaky how alike me and Marya are, when she was in her bulimia stage. I want to find out how she got rid of her bulimia... I'm so sick of mine. Marya says in her book that she pictures her ED like stepping into a netherworld, through the looking glass, like she was in another world all inside her head. I picture my bulimia like a little fat girl, screaming for food, wanting to eat everything it can get its hands on. When I don't binge I find I get agitated VERY easily. I picture my anorexia like a quiet thin little girl being smothered by the fat girl, whispering in my ear all the things I shouldn't eat, shouldn't be doing, should be doing this instead.... "Instead of eating this go for a walk, have a few cigarettes, take a few diet pills. You know you'll just regret it after you swallow it" And I DO. I do regret it.
So far the only one who has fucked me over is the little fat girl. She's told me I'll feel better once I binge and purge, I'll still loose weight, I'll still look perfect, I'll be relaxed and I'll be able to rest. But it's not true. I can't sleep even after I binge and purge, I just feel less anxious about the time stretching ahead of me. I don't get thinner I am stuck at 128-133. I don't look good, my eyes are bloodshot and my throat puffs up like a bullfrog and it hurts so much. My parents know about it now and it's so stressful just EATING in the first place around them. It hurts so much that when I puke the only thing my mother does is yell at me for making a mess.
"You better have cleaned up your MESS in the bathroom! You better have used lysol!!! I don't want that bathroom smelling like your disgusting waste!!! That's what it is you know, it's a fucking waste! You're wasting food!" It makes me want to binge and purge MORE because I feel so ashamed, so hurt, so panicked.
I am trying to do something new tomorrow. A new plan. Slowly reducing my calories from 1000 to 0 and then back up to 600. 600 will be my "Maximum amount".
Day 1 - 1000 calories.
Breakfast - fruit, 1 egg (300 cal)
Snack - fruit/veggies (100 cal)
Lunch - Salad/veggies (200 cal)
Snack - Jell-o (40 cal)
Dinner - Fish (200 cal)
Snack - fruit (100 cal)
Total -940 cal
This isn't exactly 1000 calories.... but it's not like I want to get up to that much, I just want to make 1000 my maximum. I think that if I wake up around 11/12 I'll have my breakfast then with my coffee, then everything else follows at 3 hour intervals. I think if I just have smaller meals multiple times a day I can cut out the middle man and not feel the need to binge so intensely. The only problem I foresee is dinner time, because my mother and father LOVE to eat and when they get home from work they make a feast. That is my main time for binging.
The day after this I plan to eat a max of 800 cal.... then 600, then 400, then 200, then 0, and then so on back up till 600. I hope this works...
I'll just cross my fingers and shut my eyes tight and hope the fat girl's screaming fades. I can feel the little thin girl getting stronger. Her voice is growing louder. Soon it will consume me, while I consume nothing.