Friday, December 25, 2009

I am a promiscuous Anorexic/Bulimic with attachment issues, OCD, ADHD, anxiety, and depression.

Yes apparently I have been diagnosed with all of these. I'm a horrible, horrible person. I shall explain to you how I am each of these things, simply because this is my blog, so I can do whatever the hell I want to, and no one would read it anyway.

I'm promiscuous because I like sex. I will let almost any guy have sex with me, but only if I have no real feelings for him. If I actually CARE about him, then I am incredibly self conscious and declined to do it. (Declined? Inclined? Whatever.)

I am obviously anorexic/bulimic, that in itself is self explanatory. (See ENTIRE BLOG for details.)

I have attachment issues because I never let anyone close to me, as soon as I start feeling more attached to another human being I automatically push him/her away, I need my personal space, I don't like human intimacy all that much and I don't like being touched a lot either. This is obviously bad for relationships, so I can't maintain one to save my life. I am technically in one now, with a rather inexperienced guy, who is smart and funny and sweet, but we are pretty dysfunctional, and he knows all about my problems. He worries about me, I hurt him and I know I do, I upset him when I'm anti social and when I don't want him to touch me. What kind of person doesn't want their significant other to touch them?? I'm fucked.

I have OCD in a few different ways, nothing major, but they can be quite annoying. I always have short nails because I can't maintain long ones, if one chips or one is shorter than the rest, I have to make them ALL the same length. I hate uneven nails. I have this urge to rip labels off of everything; lighters, water bottles, beer bottles, tags, alcohol and any other miscellaneous item with a sticky tag. If someone takes said item away from me mid-rip, or before I have started ripping it off, I will throw a fit. I have to have the volume on a tv or radio at intervals of 5, for example 5, 10, 15, 20, etc. If someone changes the volume to say, 13, I will have to change it back or else I will never stop thinking about it the rest of the day. Pretty silly isn't it?

My ADHD is probably my only sunshine on a rainy day. I am naturally hyper, quick to laugh, although I tend to laugh at horrid things, I have trouble remembering things like peoples names and faces and other unimportant things, but useless facts and knowledge about things I remember for years. For example, I still remember my phone number for the place I grew up in, that I moved out of 14 years ago, (266 3892) yet I can't remember what I had for breakfast or the name of the girl that was introduced to me the other day at a christmas party. I can't ever stop moving, even now as I am sitting in this chair I am bouncing one of my legs up and down.

I have had multiple anxiety attacks and am just an all around nervous person most of the time. I am jittery and talk alot, which can also stem from my ADHD, but I also don't like being stared at, I don't like attention in general, and sometimes I struggle to breathe in situations where I am the center of attention.

Depression is easy. I am unmotivated to get on with my life simple because I know there's nothing good out there for me. I don't see a point in getting a job and moving out other than it will be easier to bask in my eating disorder. I don't see a point in socializing other than the fact that it will keep me occupied, keep me from feeling lonely. I would much rather lay in my bed all day with the curtains drawn to keep out the daylight and just listen to my mp3 player for hours and hours.

I am sharing this with you all now (whoever you may be, and if you're still here, wow. I feel sorry for you) because I had a 6 hour talk with the male version of myself. Minus the eating disorder. He is so incredibly interesting I could talk to him for days and days without even looking away.

I want to see him soon.

1 comment:

  1. Wow...we have a LOT in common. Until I met my husband I was a promiscuious mess! Real love changed all that...which I totallly did NOT expect and am happy to have found. And trust me, I kissed/fucked a LOT of frogs before I found my Prince. Even now though with my husband I still have fucked up issues about being touched and wanting to simutaneously push him away/run away from him. I just fight against that as much as I can all the time. Unfortunately, I don't have any where near the same energy to fight against Mia. Like you, my binge/purge desires have been out of control...for like months! Ugh.

    I'm going to try to start off strong in the new year though. No binges. No purging. A new attitude in 2010!

    Hang in there girl. We all feel shitty and struggle with our disordered lives. I'm sorry that I don't comment more often but I'm here and I'm listening.

    I send you love. And feel free to check out my blog at