I had an epiphany last night after binging and purging for the second time in one night, and I would up rupturing my esophagus and throwing up blood. I realized how out of control I was. I also realized if I didn't stop myself now and get back in control I will die. I have embraced my ana tendencies and hope that I can regain control over what goes in my mouth, if I ever want to save myself.
I wish I had someone to talk to that understood this feeling. It's depressing me to no end but I have hope for the future... maybe one day I will be happy.