So it is officially december, less than a month away from christmas. I have mixed feelings about christmas, it fuels the fat little bulimic inside of me. I LOVE stuffing and turkey and gravy, and all the desserts and christmas cookies and the christmas chocolates my mom stuffs my stocking full of every year. It's just hard to control myself, it's starting to get harder and harder, and I'm actually a bit terrified. This is the reason why I haven't posted in a while, not that anyone reads these things anyway. I've been struggling with my bulimia for the past few weeks. It's ridiculous, I wake up each morning thinking "Okay I can do this, coffee for breakfast, maybe an apple, and then nothing all day, when I come home at night, I can have a salad with veggies or just veggies. That's it."
But when I come home and I see and smell the food my mom made for dinner for her and my dad.... I just lose control. Once I take that first little bite, even if it's just a piece of carrot, my mind just stops working and my body goes into this little frenzy and grabs like everything it can find and I just eat and eat and eat and eat until I'm so full I'm bloated and then my brain walks in and sees what my body has done and I flip out. I run to the washroom and puke. I can't control it. I can barely control it when I'm not eating all day, but when I get home at night it's just... terrible. I've done that up to 4 times in one night, and it's taking it's toll. My mouth feels raw, my throat hurts, my cheeks are slightly swollen, my eyes go bloodshot when I do it, I have all these sores in my mouth, and now I have to eat SO MUCH it's like I can't stop until all the food is gone. I'm so scared that one of these days I'm going to rip open my stomach or puncture my esophagus or even have a hernia. I'm terrified of what I can't control and I need my anorexia more than ever, to save me, in a sense. Because I know I will never eat normally and not puke. I wish I had someone to talk to, that's going through this as well, all the blogs about ED's on here tend to be about Ana, but there are people who suffer from MIA as well. I hope I reach some of them.
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I've been lost deep in mia-land for the last two months. I hate it, hate it, hate it. Thanksgivig was...well, just awful. I even purged a few times at my new in-laws home. I couldn't stop myself. Those people eat out of control! The quanity of food they had there was disgusting.
ReplyDeleteI am DREADING the xmas visit to michigan to see my family. It feels so much harder to restrict during the holidays. Plus mia makes it so that you always binge whenever you eat. She is relentless.
Hang in there hon. And check out another one of us that struggles against mia, her name is Emi Jay...guilty-destruction.blogspot.com
Be strong!
Hi, I just found your blog through the SiteMeter search results on mine. I want to tell you that I know EXACTLY how you feel; I lived there forever!! I walked away from bulimia almost 6 years ago, but this time of year is still difficult for me emotionally. I just blogged about why bulimia and depression seem to get worse around the holidays: http://redeemedfromthepit.blogspot.com/2009/12/so-lets-be-real-and-talk-about.html
ReplyDeleteThere is hope.
Blogging has definitely had a positive affect with my eating disorder, I hope you find that it is good for you too :)
ReplyDeleteXO
P.S. I'm not saying recover or gain or not, I'm just saying find contentment. I know [for me, at least] this disorder can be tormenting.
I always feel very curious about this topics, you know the different disorders that comes along people's lives. It's interesting along with the necessity of come people to use Generic Viagra for their better performance in bed.
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