So it is officially december, less than a month away from christmas. I have mixed feelings about christmas, it fuels the fat little bulimic inside of me. I LOVE stuffing and turkey and gravy, and all the desserts and christmas cookies and the christmas chocolates my mom stuffs my stocking full of every year. It's just hard to control myself, it's starting to get harder and harder, and I'm actually a bit terrified. This is the reason why I haven't posted in a while, not that anyone reads these things anyway. I've been struggling with my bulimia for the past few weeks. It's ridiculous, I wake up each morning thinking "Okay I can do this, coffee for breakfast, maybe an apple, and then nothing all day, when I come home at night, I can have a salad with veggies or just veggies. That's it."
But when I come home and I see and smell the food my mom made for dinner for her and my dad.... I just lose control. Once I take that first little bite, even if it's just a piece of carrot, my mind just stops working and my body goes into this little frenzy and grabs like everything it can find and I just eat and eat and eat and eat until I'm so full I'm bloated and then my brain walks in and sees what my body has done and I flip out. I run to the washroom and puke. I can't control it. I can barely control it when I'm not eating all day, but when I get home at night it's just... terrible. I've done that up to 4 times in one night, and it's taking it's toll. My mouth feels raw, my throat hurts, my cheeks are slightly swollen, my eyes go bloodshot when I do it, I have all these sores in my mouth, and now I have to eat SO MUCH it's like I can't stop until all the food is gone. I'm so scared that one of these days I'm going to rip open my stomach or puncture my esophagus or even have a hernia. I'm terrified of what I can't control and I need my anorexia more than ever, to save me, in a sense. Because I know I will never eat normally and not puke. I wish I had someone to talk to, that's going through this as well, all the blogs about ED's on here tend to be about Ana, but there are people who suffer from MIA as well. I hope I reach some of them.