Struggling...

I hate this. I hate myself for being this fucked up. I can't even maintain a romantic relationship I'm too scared of getting close to anyone. I have been struggling so much with my bulimia, and I can't sleep unless I binge and purge. So here I am at 4 am trying to ignore the fattie inside of my head screaming at me to go to the fridge and get something, ANYTHING, to just inhale and purge. I don't know when this got so bad, I don't know how the voice of anorexia became a faint whisper and the voice of my bulimia just became a constant scream. It fills my head, all I can think of is food, food, food, eat, eat, eat, eat, binge purge. 'You know you want that chicken, and maybe that rice, and then some bread to top it off. Remember to drink water, lots of water, in between bites. Remember to grab your toothbrush from your room before you go to the bathroom and get rid of it all" The voice goes on and on in my head.

I'm trying to concentrate on the tiny voice of ana, trying to think about how much I DON'T want to be this person anymore, how much I disgust myself. I could be so strong if I just got over this. Things will get better if I just make it over this hurdle. Eventually I'll be able to sleep again, eventually I'll be able to NOT want that bag of chips in the cupboard... I hope.