Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The Stench of Failure.

So I am officially the most useless, pathetic person in the world. I can't even deny my bulimia control over myself. I can't win against her. I'm so lost, I can't figure out what to do anymore. I decided to try to just not eat any solids for at least 3 days, to see if I can control myself better with food after my body gets used to not having it.... I find if I just don't eat at all, it's much easier to not eat for an entire day, and then an entire night, and an entire day again, and the longer I go without eating, the easier it is to not eat. I've decided to ingest nothing but tic tacs, gum, and diet soda. I'm hoping it will help rid my bulimia for good.

I know it sounds silly, but I noticed when I start eating, even a little bit, my body takes control over my mind and I just binge and binge until I feel like I might explode, and then I purge, and I'm so sick of it. I'm stuck at a certain weight, my weight goes up and down every other day, when all I want is to shed the weight, every day, just lose one more pound, and feel the utter weightlessness of myself, feel how amazing being empty is again, like I could just float away.

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