Tuesday, May 24, 2011


I'm back from the dead.

I spent some time travelling, running away from everything. I went to Montreal, and to Ottawa, and I met someone. He's amazing. I couldn't help myself around him, something in his eyes just made me want to tell him everything about me, let him into my soul. I wanted him to see what's really inside of me. We had an amazing week together, and when I moved on, we kept in touch. I found out last week that he thinks of me as a friend, and only a friend. He just thought I was attractive and he needed sexual release. I don't blame him, but it still crushed me.

I'm wavering between the world of the alcoholic, the world of the bulimic, and the world of the anorexic. I don't know where I belong anymore. I'm so stuck where I'm at, which is why I ran in the first place. I'm living with my boyfriend, (I know,if I'm living with a guy why the hell did I go to ottawa and fall for someone else, right?) well I don't have any excuse for it, the heart wants what it wants, but to be honest my boyfriend just isn't the one. He spends more time playing video games and watching things online and getting high and drunk than he does just actually SEEING me, I feel so invisible to him now. We're like strangers pretending to be something we're not. I think he thinks he loves me, but I don't think he really does. His actions prove otherwise. He says he is trying to stop ignoring me, he's trying to spend more time with me, he's trying to be more attentive, but I don't want a guy to have to TRY to do these simple things for me, I want him to WANT to, and just do it, because it's supposed to be the most natural thing in the world when you're in love, isn't it?

Sometimes I feel so uncomfortable in this house, in my own skin, that I can't stand it but I don't know what to do and I become so manic and obsessive over the littlest things that I can't pull my mind away from it, like right now it's 4 am and of course I can't sleep and I'm thinking about my thighs and my gut and how much I ate today and those beers I shouldn't have had and the fact that I just bought a blackberry and I doubt I can afford to pay for it or pay off my old phone bill and I'm so very poor so I can't do anything about my current situation or try to improve my life, all I can do is hope I find a job that sticks so I can get out of here.

I'm going to have to make myself stronger if I'm ever going to get out of this hole I've dug myself into. I just wish I knew how.

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