Fits of emo rage

Sorry about my last post. I've been not sleeping at all and hardly eating so I've been extremely agitated and just thinking way too much about life and stuff. As you can probably tell by now I have a very negative hateful side to me. Part of me just doesn't see a point in life. The other part sees that my only worth in life is to help other people make their lives better, while I destroy my own.

I have been in this little funk for a few days now, not sure how long it's going to last. I hope I feel better soon though. Maybe I just really need to get drunk.

I hate this.

I have a problem. We all know this and acknowledge this, yet we seldom DO anything about it. Some of us reach out to others to help us. I did that. People know how fucked up I am. Do you know what I noticed? EVERYONE has fucked up views on food. I say I gained 5 pounds they say "Oh well it's just 5 pounds... you can go to the gym and burn it off." I tell them I'm only eating an apple and a salad today they say "That's good. You'll drop those 5 pounds in no time." Is that REALLY how the world thinks?? That restricting is a GOOD thing?? It's not a good thing. It's the same as starving yourself. It DOES hurt your body. It's pathetic. Fucking pathetic. I hate people. I hate society. I hate the way everyone thinks. Our world revolves around skinny celebrities and who is marrying who and who cheated on who, it revolves around diets and drugs and alcohol and how BAD it is for you yet EVERYONE does it or has done it. We fill our time with sports and magazines and television and computers. It's disappointing. I want more. I want life to mean something other than this. I want to make a difference, change the world. I know I never will. Who ever does/did? Hitler? Martin Luther King? They're both dead, and the world is still fucked up. So what does that tell you?

Sorry for this rant. I don't even know how many people are going to hate me for this. I don't really care right now. I'm so frustrated with myself. I'm so pissed off at my life. I don't know what it all means anymore. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, other than survive. And if I do survive... then what? Simply live in this shitty world and try to be happy? How can I ever be content knowing that all I'm doing is coasting through life with my unexceptional goals that I will probably never achieve, and then die in some idiotic way. It will probably be full of irony, my death. I know myself enough to know that. I'll probably die at the hands of some enraged anorexic with lung cancer even though she's never smoked a day in her life, driving way too fast down a main road somewhere. I'll be drunk, smoking a cigarette. Still trying to achieve my goals of getting over making myself barf. Oh the irony.

ugh...FAIL.

Why is it that most of us on here have such a hard time NOT binging? I was thinking about that, I mean I can understand for the people who have bulimia, but why everyone? Is it our body just taking over our brain and eating everything in sight because our bodies NEED FOOD? Yes, I know that's it. It's so true that we are fighting a lost battle. We are denying our bodies the right to eat, it's a basic bodily function, without food we DIE. Yes, it's true. We can't overcome that obstacle. We aren't ABOVE eating. So why is it that we are so disgusted with food? We think it's weak to eat, it's giving in to our disgusting bodies, it's a sin. But is it really a disgusting thing to give yourself energy to LIVE? I don't understand anymore, can't wrap my head around why we do this anymore. All I know is there's nothing else I can do. I NEED to do this, I have to get away from bulimia, anorexia is the only way out to me, if I don't want to get fat. And I don't. It's the biggest fear I have.

I keep having these dreams when I don't binge and purge, I have these dreams of binging. I am sitting there (in my dream) eating tons of delicious food. Cakes, chips, tacos, burgers, fries, chinese food, cookies, fried chicken... and I feel panic because I know all this food is PURE EVIL and I know it will make me fat and I scream at myself to stop eating but I can't, I just can't. I always wake up sweating and very very hungry. I hate these dreams.

I realized I don't know what hunger is anymore. I don't know when I'm full. My body is so fucked up from all this eating disorder crap I can't just eat like a normal person. Eat when hungry, stop when full. It' a simple concept. But I ALWAYS want food. That doesn't mean I'm always hungry, I just always want to eat. When I do eat, I'll eat until I feel like I will explode. Where my stomach is so bloated and uncomfortable if I don't go throw it up I'll die. I want so much to go back to when I was little... before I can remember, when I ate 3 times a day, and I ate snacks and I was full and happy after a meal. For as long as I can remember I have had these fucked up feelings with food. When I was 13 I would come home from school and eat and eat and eat until my parents came home and then I would have dinner. I would of course feel bad about the eating so I would starve all day long. But I would always come home and eat my weight in food.

I want to change this. I hate myself for it. I don't want to be this person anymore. This person who can't think of anything else but food. Who can't go a day without wanting to binge at least 6 times. I hate it.

Fuck the fat girl. I'm killing her.

Editing is for the weak.

As some of you have probably noticed, there are a few errors in my posts.

I have OCD so this bothers me incredibly, but at the same time I'm so busy and just plain lazy to edit it, so I have decided that after I hit that "Publish post" button, there is no going back.

Random and pointless blog FTW!

PAIN.

These two days at the gym really have taken a toll on my body. I woke up this morning super sore.... my calves, thighs, upper arms, shoulders, and abdomen. On a good note I am starting to look slimmer in the stomach area. Huzzah!

I'm dragging myself to the gym today to try and do my usual hour workout... I hope I can actually do the whole thing, my body hurts SO much!

My meal plan today is going to be.... chicken and green beans for breakfast (200 cal) with a diet pill and coffee. (I believe it's smart to make the largest meal of the day breakfast, longer time to burn off those calories and I go to the gym after breakfast anyway!)

After the gym I'll come home and have a yogurt (35 calories)

I'm going to try and get out of the house as much as possible today, so I'll probably wind up seeing a friend for most of the afternoon, then after that I come home and have 100 calories of whatever I feel like... soup, fruit... I was thinking green grapes with water again. I don't know how many I ate but I felt relatively satisfied afterwards!

I have tons of diet beverages: Deit ginger ale (for nausea), a case of diet pepsi, 2 boxes of crystal light, and a 6 pack of this flavoured water that I LOVE.

I have noticed that nicotine does curb my hunger, as does caffeine (which are in my diet pills), also writing in my blog and making/watching my thinspo's..... but most of all the thing that keeps me from binging is simply the thought that I'm in control. That I'm slapping the fat girl in the face and going NO. Bad fat girl. Also the comforting thought that if I don't eat I'll have an empty stomach and if I have an empty stomach I'll feel my stomach eat itself, I'll feel dizzy and giddy with adrenaline. I love the feeling of being empty.

On another note, I hate living in Canada sometimes. It's been snowing so much since christmas and it's so bloody cold out I hate even leaving my house. I love the spring and summers we have here though, and I suppose the harsh winters do make a person appreciate the warm weather much more. I just want wait for winter to be OVER. I want green grass and warm sun and fresh flowers and blue skies!

Anyway, as you can probably tell I'm somewhat in a good mood today.... somewhat. xP
I actually feel so happy and in control and just plain proud of myself for not binging and purging last night. I had my grapes and then I went to bed. It feels great knowing that ignoring bulimia is DO-ABLE.

So wish me luck girlies! I hope you all have good days as well. Stay strong!

The problem with friends

I love my friend Jess, she's really the only friend I have that's female, and it's so easy to hang out with her, and I LOVE that I can smoke as many cigarettes as I want in her house, but there's one problem with her place. She eats..... often. She deosn't eat alot but she'll snack pretty much all day long... and her house is stocked with junk. Chips, breaded fried food, chocolate, candy, pizza, pasta, kraft dinner..... it's my own personal hell. The temptation is overwhelming... and when I don't eat she gets worried, so I do. I try to eat healthy stuff, but she doesn't even have any FRUIT. I honestly don't know how she is so slim from all the junk that she eats.

Anyway.... today I tried to be good when I went to her house after the gym, I only had a 150 calorie cracker package thing... but then she brought out chips. Salty foods are my weakness......

I ate a bowl. I feel gross. But at least I didn't binge and so far I don't plan to. I am having these grapes with my ultra shape pills... and then I'm going to bed.

Tomorrow I plan to do exactly what I did today... minus the morning binge and the chips at Jess's house.

I'm getting closer to my goal. Baby steps....

I have FOLLOWERS?!

So, this is the first time I actually realized I have people READING my blog. Up until now I really had no idea. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for the comments, you really helped strengthen me enough to overcome my bulimia.

So my fast failed (Obviously)... I feel incredibly frustrated with myself, and it's not even during the day that I want to eat, I can eat 50-100 calories in one sitting throughout the whole damn day without even WANTING to binge. But.... it's like when evening comes I just get so hungry. I just want to eat and eat and eat. I can't think of anything else and even when I choose to sit and smoke instead and convince myself that the urge will go away..... sometimes it doesn't. I have been binging and purging less though, and I have been eating less and only healthy food when I do binge, so I think if I keep going on this track I will conquer the fat girl.

Oh!!! I started going to this gym near my house! It's so great. I have always wanted a treadmill, and this place has EVERYTHING. I'm in heaven when I go there. I went there last night after having a 220 calorie dinner, and I ran on the treadmill for 30 minutes... I burned 200 calories! I felt so good... so strong. In control of my body, and I must say, it's exhilarating, more exhilarating than binging and purging. I LIKE the nauseous stomach and the faint light-headed...ness... that comes from not eating. I enjoy feeling like I have control. I like knowing that I am going to burn off the calories I just consumed and feeling GOOD about it. I just hope this feeling is enough to stop my bulimia.

I have also started taking these pills... they're called ultra shape, they're like a laxative almost, meant to cleanse your body. I take 3 before dinner and 3 before bed.... so far I have been getting bloated, but that might just be the food I've been eating. I am going to take them for a few more days and if I still see no change I'm going to throw them out.

This brings me to the point of this blog, I was wondering who has tried body cleanses, and if so which ones worked best for you? I also want to start taking diet pills that curb hunger and raise my metabolism... does anyone know of any that work? I don't trust what the internet tells me these days, so I figure I will ask someone who has taken them. So if anyone is taking any of these pills and it's working good for them, please let me know which ones they are, it would be greatly appreciated.

Also a special thanks to Africana, your comments really help me more than you know! It's so good to hear someone else with the same struggles as me, and I know we can both overcome bulimia.

Stay strong everyone!