I hate this.

I have a problem. We all know this and acknowledge this, yet we seldom DO anything about it. Some of us reach out to others to help us. I did that. People know how fucked up I am. Do you know what I noticed? EVERYONE has fucked up views on food. I say I gained 5 pounds they say "Oh well it's just 5 pounds... you can go to the gym and burn it off." I tell them I'm only eating an apple and a salad today they say "That's good. You'll drop those 5 pounds in no time." Is that REALLY how the world thinks?? That restricting is a GOOD thing?? It's not a good thing. It's the same as starving yourself. It DOES hurt your body. It's pathetic. Fucking pathetic. I hate people. I hate society. I hate the way everyone thinks. Our world revolves around skinny celebrities and who is marrying who and who cheated on who, it revolves around diets and drugs and alcohol and how BAD it is for you yet EVERYONE does it or has done it. We fill our time with sports and magazines and television and computers. It's disappointing. I want more. I want life to mean something other than this. I want to make a difference, change the world. I know I never will. Who ever does/did? Hitler? Martin Luther King? They're both dead, and the world is still fucked up. So what does that tell you?

Sorry for this rant. I don't even know how many people are going to hate me for this. I don't really care right now. I'm so frustrated with myself. I'm so pissed off at my life. I don't know what it all means anymore. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, other than survive. And if I do survive... then what? Simply live in this shitty world and try to be happy? How can I ever be content knowing that all I'm doing is coasting through life with my unexceptional goals that I will probably never achieve, and then die in some idiotic way. It will probably be full of irony, my death. I know myself enough to know that. I'll probably die at the hands of some enraged anorexic with lung cancer even though she's never smoked a day in her life, driving way too fast down a main road somewhere. I'll be drunk, smoking a cigarette. Still trying to achieve my goals of getting over making myself barf. Oh the irony.