Why is it that most of us on here have such a hard time NOT binging? I was thinking about that, I mean I can understand for the people who have bulimia, but why everyone? Is it our body just taking over our brain and eating everything in sight because our bodies NEED FOOD? Yes, I know that's it. It's so true that we are fighting a lost battle. We are denying our bodies the right to eat, it's a basic bodily function, without food we DIE. Yes, it's true. We can't overcome that obstacle. We aren't ABOVE eating. So why is it that we are so disgusted with food? We think it's weak to eat, it's giving in to our disgusting bodies, it's a sin. But is it really a disgusting thing to give yourself energy to LIVE? I don't understand anymore, can't wrap my head around why we do this anymore. All I know is there's nothing else I can do. I NEED to do this, I have to get away from bulimia, anorexia is the only way out to me, if I don't want to get fat. And I don't. It's the biggest fear I have.
I keep having these dreams when I don't binge and purge, I have these dreams of binging. I am sitting there (in my dream) eating tons of delicious food. Cakes, chips, tacos, burgers, fries, chinese food, cookies, fried chicken... and I feel panic because I know all this food is PURE EVIL and I know it will make me fat and I scream at myself to stop eating but I can't, I just can't. I always wake up sweating and very very hungry. I hate these dreams.
I realized I don't know what hunger is anymore. I don't know when I'm full. My body is so fucked up from all this eating disorder crap I can't just eat like a normal person. Eat when hungry, stop when full. It' a simple concept. But I ALWAYS want food. That doesn't mean I'm always hungry, I just always want to eat. When I do eat, I'll eat until I feel like I will explode. Where my stomach is so bloated and uncomfortable if I don't go throw it up I'll die. I want so much to go back to when I was little... before I can remember, when I ate 3 times a day, and I ate snacks and I was full and happy after a meal. For as long as I can remember I have had these fucked up feelings with food. When I was 13 I would come home from school and eat and eat and eat until my parents came home and then I would have dinner. I would of course feel bad about the eating so I would starve all day long. But I would always come home and eat my weight in food.
I want to change this. I hate myself for it. I don't want to be this person anymore. This person who can't think of anything else but food. Who can't go a day without wanting to binge at least 6 times. I hate it.
Fuck the fat girl. I'm killing her.
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i miss being able to eat without feeling like a freak. i wish i could go back to being a child and being able to eat anything without gaining an ounce. back then it was fun to see "who could eat the most cake". and now its the opposite. now its "lets see who can avoid the cake the longest without eating it, the fridge, the cupboards,and the dog in one sitting because we all know if we do eat we will eat it ALL".i guess its a catch 22 though because i cant imagine being happy with eating "normal" either.hang in there.
ReplyDeletemeg
Oh God I feel your pain. I have no concept of "normal" eating. We have chocolate in our house the my in-laws gave us as gifts. I immediately asked my husband if I could take it to work and give it away. He said he wanted to eat it but the problem is that if it is in the house then I WILL binge on it. I will. Period. A box of chocolates can last him two weeks! Is that how it is supposed to be for a normal eater? I can't even conceptualize not having a binge if chocolate is in the house. Fuck.
ReplyDeleteAnd like you I was the same way when I was a kid. I used to come home and eat non stop. It was insane. I was HUGE when I graduated from high-school. It was a nightmare.
What the fuck is "normal" anyway??
I'm sorry. I don't mean to ramble but your post really struck a nerve with me.
I say kill the fat girl. I know I'm doing my damndest to murder mine.
Be strong! xoxoxox