Halloween.

So, this year for Halloween, I decided to be myself, yet again. I figure I myself am terrifying and freaky enough for Halloween. So I bought a pretty dress that makes me feel like a princess with metal and criss-crossing ties all down the sides, and I promised myself I would lose 10 pounds in the month that I got it so that I could look nicer in it. I did not keep this promise. Since I've been on my medication I have been acting very weird, I've been myself but not, I feel like I'm standing outside of my body staring at myself but not understanding why I'm doing the things I am doing. It's like when I stare at the gap between my legs, seeing it but not understanding it. So anyways, I've been having days where I don't eat a single thing, and days where I eat and purge up to 5 times in one day. It's scary as hell to me, how little control I have over what my mind tells my body to do.

Tonight is the day before Halloween, I am going to a Halloween party with my incredibly light and bubbly wine spritzers, and I just hope I don't drink anymore than that. Much more than that and I might get sick or even worse, do something retarded. But this party should be fun, I don't really like parties usually but I want to get out there more, meet more people with jobs and cars and whatnot, get out of this faze of only hanging out with people that fail at life.

Anyways, I have lost a a few pounds, I'm at a steady 128 and I have been for over a week now. I just can't seem to get that stupid scale to go any lower. I might fast, but I am going to wait until I know I have total control over my body before I do.

Oh, and Happy Halloween everyone <3

Vacation

My parents left this morning, they are going on a 'romantic' vacation to niagra falls. They are staying there for 3 nights and 3 days. So tonight I am having a few friends over and we are going to hang out, watch horror movies, and play video games. I'm so excited to have the house to myself it's not even funny how hyper and antsy I am. xD

This morning after they left I sparked a cigarette in my bed, and relaxed and smoked and thought about all the fun shit I'm going to get to do on my 3 nights of freedom. I can't drink of course, my pills don't permit that. But I will be able to do whatever I want, I can blast music at 4 am and dance around in my undies, I can go out for walks at midnight and meet up with people. I can do pretty much anything. I feel like I have my own house for these three days, and ohhhhhh freedom smells so sweet.

Hello munchkins!!

I am so sorry I haven't posted in such a long time. Long story short, I went on medication, I'm very restless and wired all the time, so I didn't have much attention span for writing, and also I forgot my password for the longest time. xD

I do apologize little ones. I hope you are all doing well in your fight to perfection, but I also hope you are healthy and well. I came to a revelation the other day, but before I tell you about it I have to explain to you the dreams I have been having. I keep getting these dreams about food, eating food, gaining weight and then eating MORE food, it's like.... my biggest fear. I wake up sweating my ass off and reaching instantly for my hip bones. It's a freaking nightmare. Anyway, one morning at like 3 or 4 am I woke up from another one of these dreams, and I couldn't sleep afterwards, so I started doing my morning rituals; taking off my nightie and staring at myself in the mirror naked, picking at my fat, spinning on the balls of my feet and sucking in to see how many ribs stick out from the side, from the front, from the back. I want to not have to suck in in order to see more than one rib. I want to be able to see all my ribs just from sitting, standing, whatever. Anyway, after I pick myself apart in front of the mirror I then go pee, and weigh myself. After weighing myself I grab a pencil and stand up with my back against the wall, putting little nicks where my waist ends, where my hips end. If I gained weight I don't do this, it's too painful to see if I actually got wider, but if I have lost a pound or two then I do, and I smile when I see that I have shrunk an inch.

After my measureing and weighing I do a bit of yoga to relax me and stretch my muscles. Usually I try to clear my mind while I meditate, but this time a thought occured to me, as I reviewed my weight loss and measurements and calculated how much I was going to eat today in order to lose an extra pound. This thought was that I was going to die. I thought about my binging and purging problem, how much more serious it was than restricting, since I have done it for much longer and it's gotten to the point where my teeth are incredibly sensitive, my throat is always raw, and my insides hurt when I purge. I realized if I didn't quit binging and purging for good I would eventually kill myself. I would rip open my stomach, or corrode an artery or have a heart attack. I know that it's putting strain on my heart, I can feel chest pains when I do it now. I get heart palpitations and sometimes I feel my heart beating irregularly. The worst part is, I know all of this, yet I can't stop eating and throwing up. I can't accept that much food in my stomach, I can't stand feeling full it drives me crazy. So when I lose control and I eat, or when I'm forced to eat by my parents, there is no other choice. I have to do it, I feel like I will die if I don't. But I know I will die if I do.... eventually.

So that's when I started thinking about you. Yes, you. You may or may not have bulimia in your life, you may think you eat enough to stay healthy, you may fast and fast and fast until you faint. But we all have one desire that connects us, and that is the desire to be perfect, to be tiny, to see the numbers on the scale dissolve, so see our bones and feel them jutting out of our bodies, to shiver when we feel the frigid air outside even though it's spring time and everyone is wearing t-shirts, to slip into a size 0 with ease, and to feel dizzy after realizing we haven't eaten in days.

This will one day kill us all, if we don't get help, or at least help ourselves. This scares the crap out of me, but for some reason I don't care. Right now I can't get better. Right now I need this.

I hope some of you think differently, I hope you get the help you need. For me it's always too soon, too early. Just 10 more pounds here, just 5 more pounds there... And then I'll disappear.

Update!

I am pleased to report that I have lost 8 pounds. I am starting a fast today, and I am going shopping for clothes that are 2 sizes too small for me, which is going to be hard since I am already a size 3-5 in jeans and a small in shirts. Size 0 here I come! I have to buy winter clothes because it's starting to get very chilly outside.

I hope to update again soon. Maybe add a few photos of myself once I loose enough weight.

I am also looking for a job, since I quit my last one. I can't work around food, or with customers. I'm not good with people.

Yoga, anyone?

In the absence of sleep I have decided to spend most of my early mornings in my dark room waiting for the sun to rise. This morning at approximately 3 am, I started excersising. I felt gross and was pinching my fat all over my body, I just couldn't resist working out.

After I felt incredibly dizzy and had to sit down. I sat on the cold ceramic tiles on my floor, and started trying to control my breathing. Before I knew it I was almost meditating, and I actually found it quite relaxing. After about 10 minutes of meditation I did a few stretches and moves that I had seen on tv before. They actually relaxed me quite a bit, and made me feel calm but rejuvenated!

I think I am going to start doing yoga every morning. Does anyone else do yoga at all? Does it help with weight loss or toning up?

jigglies and shivers

Does anyone else get so grossed out by obese people that they shudder? Gag? Cover their eyes and turn the other way? Because I do. I can sit and watch the goriest movies and music videos with people getting gutted and skull fucked while sipping on diet soda or chewing gum and feel just dandy, but when it comes to seeing reverse thinspo on youtube, I actually have to exit the screen after about 4 seconds. I shudder, wince, squeal and feel nauseous just looking at the rolls of fat. I don't know how anyone can become that obese, when I gain about 5 pounds and flip out. It's hard to grasp the concept of someone not noticing their body growing THAT MUCH. It scares the crap out of me. Fat scares the crap out of me. I actually get freaked out. Over fat people. All the while going "Ohhhh micheal myers! <3333" when I watch the Halloween movies. I'm weird.

Also I wanted to know if anyone else gets grossed out by the jigglies. Do you ever jump up and down or move suddenly or sit in a car and go over a bump and FEEL your fat sort of jiggle? It is the worst feeling ever for me. I freak out. I mean what IS that? People tell me "oh you're so skinny oh you should eat" but my arms JIGGLE if they get shaken hard enough. Maybe it's all in my head. Drives me crazy though.

new medication

Hello again, I come to you today drugged up and ready to face another day. My doctor has prescribed anti depressants/anti anxiety pills for me. I have taken them for about a week now. Some of the possible side effects are insomnia, drowsiness, weight gain, weight loss, irritability, calmness, nausea, headaches, and a bunch of other random things. It;s very contradicting, I guess it just depends on the person. I have so far been sleeping much much less, which pretty much means no sleep at all, since I already suffered from insomnia in the first place, and so far they haven't made me eat any more or any less, so that's good. I just hope they don't make me gain any weight, or else I will slaughter someone. I have gained about 7 pounds in the past few weeks, mostly because my parents found my diet pills and my thinspiration pictures and my diet plan, so they have been making me eat three full meals a day. I started purging 2 of them per day, lunch and dinner, until 2 nights ago I couldn't purge. I had this problem when I was bulimic, my throat got too swollen and my gag reflex wouldn't work, despite my desperate efforts. That was one of the reasons why I tried to recover from it, other than the obvious horrible things I was doing to my body.

Anyways, being almost 130 pounds has kicked me to the edge of my sanity, the only thing keeping me from becoming incredibly depressed is my pills, although I still think about depressing things, and I HATE how much weight I have gained, I don't feel depressed about it, I feel nothing really. I don't really care about anything right now, the only thing that I do care about is loosing the weight. My parents are going away for a week so I get the house to myself, I have a fridge full of fruits and veggies and a cupboard full of soup and tuna, and I have created a new diet plan. Since my parents found out my eating issues on my computer account, the only ED related thing I will be doing on the computer is on here and on youtube, so they can't find it. My diet plan is a daily ritual, I write my meal plans on a piece of paper, keep it with me at all times, and throw it out at the end of the day. Luckily I hid my scale from my mother or else I would have no idea what my weight will be at the end of the week.

Today's meal plan consists of green tea, which I already had, coffee, which is being brewed as I make this entry, 1 egg (100 cals) fills me up and gives me engery, a small bowl of corn (200 cals), and for dinner a can of tuna with sliced celery (200 cals), and for my evening snack: a bowl of sugar free jell-o (40 cals). That brings my total up to 540 calories for the day. Wish me luck. ^-^