Thursday, October 1, 2009

new medication

Hello again, I come to you today drugged up and ready to face another day. My doctor has prescribed anti depressants/anti anxiety pills for me. I have taken them for about a week now. Some of the possible side effects are insomnia, drowsiness, weight gain, weight loss, irritability, calmness, nausea, headaches, and a bunch of other random things. It;s very contradicting, I guess it just depends on the person. I have so far been sleeping much much less, which pretty much means no sleep at all, since I already suffered from insomnia in the first place, and so far they haven't made me eat any more or any less, so that's good. I just hope they don't make me gain any weight, or else I will slaughter someone. I have gained about 7 pounds in the past few weeks, mostly because my parents found my diet pills and my thinspiration pictures and my diet plan, so they have been making me eat three full meals a day. I started purging 2 of them per day, lunch and dinner, until 2 nights ago I couldn't purge. I had this problem when I was bulimic, my throat got too swollen and my gag reflex wouldn't work, despite my desperate efforts. That was one of the reasons why I tried to recover from it, other than the obvious horrible things I was doing to my body.

Anyways, being almost 130 pounds has kicked me to the edge of my sanity, the only thing keeping me from becoming incredibly depressed is my pills, although I still think about depressing things, and I HATE how much weight I have gained, I don't feel depressed about it, I feel nothing really. I don't really care about anything right now, the only thing that I do care about is loosing the weight. My parents are going away for a week so I get the house to myself, I have a fridge full of fruits and veggies and a cupboard full of soup and tuna, and I have created a new diet plan. Since my parents found out my eating issues on my computer account, the only ED related thing I will be doing on the computer is on here and on youtube, so they can't find it. My diet plan is a daily ritual, I write my meal plans on a piece of paper, keep it with me at all times, and throw it out at the end of the day. Luckily I hid my scale from my mother or else I would have no idea what my weight will be at the end of the week.

Today's meal plan consists of green tea, which I already had, coffee, which is being brewed as I make this entry, 1 egg (100 cals) fills me up and gives me engery, a small bowl of corn (200 cals), and for dinner a can of tuna with sliced celery (200 cals), and for my evening snack: a bowl of sugar free jell-o (40 cals). That brings my total up to 540 calories for the day. Wish me luck. ^-^

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