Monday, September 21, 2009

In and out of the loony bin.

I had a breakdown over a burger. Cried, threw things, ran to the washroom, tried to throw up, couldn't, screamed, snarled, swore, and drove my fists into the wall. I gave up my sanity for 4 days, eating when my parents forced me, lay in bed when I was supposed to sleep, didn't talk, didn't think, I was a robot.

But I'm back.

I looked at myself in front of the mirror and I started to cry. I woke up, realized how fat I was. Realized I had to fight if I ever wanted to be happy. No food ever satisfies me, so I quit eating. I've had coffee today. My mother is making steak and potatoes and veggies for dinner. It smells delicious, but I don't even want it. I'm not hungry, I'm too disgusted at my own body. I'm too scared to weigh myself right now, see how fat I've gotten over these 4 or so days, I am going to wait until my stomach flattens out, until I feel dizzy, until I pass out from exhaustion of doing my workouts, before I weigh myself.

I might not write for a while, but I will keep giving thinspiration through my video's on youtube.

I will keep in touch. xoxo

No comments:

Post a Comment