Monday, October 26, 2009

Hello munchkins!!

I am so sorry I haven't posted in such a long time. Long story short, I went on medication, I'm very restless and wired all the time, so I didn't have much attention span for writing, and also I forgot my password for the longest time. xD

I do apologize little ones. I hope you are all doing well in your fight to perfection, but I also hope you are healthy and well. I came to a revelation the other day, but before I tell you about it I have to explain to you the dreams I have been having. I keep getting these dreams about food, eating food, gaining weight and then eating MORE food, it's like.... my biggest fear. I wake up sweating my ass off and reaching instantly for my hip bones. It's a freaking nightmare. Anyway, one morning at like 3 or 4 am I woke up from another one of these dreams, and I couldn't sleep afterwards, so I started doing my morning rituals; taking off my nightie and staring at myself in the mirror naked, picking at my fat, spinning on the balls of my feet and sucking in to see how many ribs stick out from the side, from the front, from the back. I want to not have to suck in in order to see more than one rib. I want to be able to see all my ribs just from sitting, standing, whatever. Anyway, after I pick myself apart in front of the mirror I then go pee, and weigh myself. After weighing myself I grab a pencil and stand up with my back against the wall, putting little nicks where my waist ends, where my hips end. If I gained weight I don't do this, it's too painful to see if I actually got wider, but if I have lost a pound or two then I do, and I smile when I see that I have shrunk an inch.

After my measureing and weighing I do a bit of yoga to relax me and stretch my muscles. Usually I try to clear my mind while I meditate, but this time a thought occured to me, as I reviewed my weight loss and measurements and calculated how much I was going to eat today in order to lose an extra pound. This thought was that I was going to die. I thought about my binging and purging problem, how much more serious it was than restricting, since I have done it for much longer and it's gotten to the point where my teeth are incredibly sensitive, my throat is always raw, and my insides hurt when I purge. I realized if I didn't quit binging and purging for good I would eventually kill myself. I would rip open my stomach, or corrode an artery or have a heart attack. I know that it's putting strain on my heart, I can feel chest pains when I do it now. I get heart palpitations and sometimes I feel my heart beating irregularly. The worst part is, I know all of this, yet I can't stop eating and throwing up. I can't accept that much food in my stomach, I can't stand feeling full it drives me crazy. So when I lose control and I eat, or when I'm forced to eat by my parents, there is no other choice. I have to do it, I feel like I will die if I don't. But I know I will die if I do.... eventually.

So that's when I started thinking about you. Yes, you. You may or may not have bulimia in your life, you may think you eat enough to stay healthy, you may fast and fast and fast until you faint. But we all have one desire that connects us, and that is the desire to be perfect, to be tiny, to see the numbers on the scale dissolve, so see our bones and feel them jutting out of our bodies, to shiver when we feel the frigid air outside even though it's spring time and everyone is wearing t-shirts, to slip into a size 0 with ease, and to feel dizzy after realizing we haven't eaten in days.

This will one day kill us all, if we don't get help, or at least help ourselves. This scares the crap out of me, but for some reason I don't care. Right now I can't get better. Right now I need this.

I hope some of you think differently, I hope you get the help you need. For me it's always too soon, too early. Just 10 more pounds here, just 5 more pounds there... And then I'll disappear.

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