In and out of the loony bin.

I had a breakdown over a burger. Cried, threw things, ran to the washroom, tried to throw up, couldn't, screamed, snarled, swore, and drove my fists into the wall. I gave up my sanity for 4 days, eating when my parents forced me, lay in bed when I was supposed to sleep, didn't talk, didn't think, I was a robot.

But I'm back.

I looked at myself in front of the mirror and I started to cry. I woke up, realized how fat I was. Realized I had to fight if I ever wanted to be happy. No food ever satisfies me, so I quit eating. I've had coffee today. My mother is making steak and potatoes and veggies for dinner. It smells delicious, but I don't even want it. I'm not hungry, I'm too disgusted at my own body. I'm too scared to weigh myself right now, see how fat I've gotten over these 4 or so days, I am going to wait until my stomach flattens out, until I feel dizzy, until I pass out from exhaustion of doing my workouts, before I weigh myself.

I might not write for a while, but I will keep giving thinspiration through my video's on youtube.

http://www.youtube.com/user/AngelAnaDemon

I will keep in touch. xoxo

Frustrations

I decided since I was going to drink this afternoon that I should eat a little something. So I made my light, low-cal chicken soup. I was eating it fine all slowly and whatnot, until I just lost control of myself and I started eating everything in sight. Strawberries, I chugged soy milk, and I ate oatmeal crisp cereal right out of the box. I immediately ran to the washroom and puked most of it up, but I just feel so stupid. And now I can't decide what to drink, I'm trying to find the drink with the lowest amount of calories, it's incredibly frustrating and I'm thinking I should just drink whatever is strongest and cheapest and I'll continue my fast for the rest of these 2 days and that will be it. I don't care anymore I already know I've gained water weight from that binge and I know the alcohol won't add anything more to me because I'll just piss it out. I'm very pissed off at myself and I want to get drunk.

Coffee + Cigarette = Good morning!

I woke up this morning at 6:30 on the dot. I don't know why I have been waking up so early every day, at the exact same time, but who knows? I am glad I do because then I fall asleep earlier at night and I'm not up half the night sitting next to a dark kitchen full of food just calling to me.

Today is day 2 of my fast, so far a good start. I woke up, lay in bed for half an hour, and then got out of bed, ran a bath, made coffee, and had my nice hot bath with bubbles and Epsom salts. I lovveee taking hot baths in the morning, especially when it's FREEZING in my house, which it has been for the last few days, because my mother is insane and opens all the windows in the house each night even though it's below 10 degrees Celsius out there. I have about 4 blankets on my bed right now to keep me from freezing to death. Anywho, after my bath I put on my favorite body butter (it smells like melons!) and then took a swig of apple cider vinegar, had a glass of water to wash it down, and then had a cup of coffee. I am so glad I finally have splenda again, for a few weeks I had none so I had to drink coffee without any sugar, and believe me, it did NOT taste good. I actually went to tim hortons one day and stole a bunch of sweet-n-lows before running out of the store just so I could have something sweet to put in my coffee.

If you read my previous blog, then you know that I was debating on whether or not I was going to get drunk today. I have decided to go for it, I am going to buy a 6 pack of light beer and I'm going to down 3 of them and give the other 3 to my friend, and that will get me tipsy for a good 2 hours. This way I have control over myself, I know what I'm doing, and I don't come home drunk and raid the fridge. Let's all cross our fingers and hope this works! I really do miss drinking, I used to almost every weekend, and then I stopped about 6 months ago because I wasn't loosing enough weight because I would eat everytime I drank.

Well my dears, I hope you all have splendidly stellar days filled with thinspiration and motivation and diet beverages.

Hair dye and hunger pains

As I sit here making this entry I have a very itchy head as there is black hair dye in it. I just had to touch up my roots and decided to do the whole head to make it look shinier and black.....er. Yes. So I have not eaten at all today, I am so happy that I am past my temptation faze. I threw out the leftover food that was tempting me, and I distracted myself with a book, and now I don't feel hungry at all! I'm so proud of myself. Anyway, as I was putting in my hair dye, I started getting full on hunger pains. It was rather painful but I was happy nonetheless. I'm actually having them a bit right now. Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

...As I was saying. I feel very good and happy that my plans to fast are succeeding rather well. My parents are none the wiser to my plans, they think I ate at work and also at dinner. ;D

Tomorrow I am supposedly getting drunk though. I'm not sure if I will. A friend just invited me to drink with him since it's my day off. I might just skip it or something. I'm not entirely sure yet. In my past experience with alcohol when I drink it doesn't make me gain any weight, but I do tend to fiend food when I'm hungover or while I'm drunk. I think if I keep control of myself and don't get too drunk then I will be able to eliminate both these problems. If I don't get too drunk then I won't be hungover and crave food the next day, and if I steer my friend clear from anyplace that sells food I can eliminate the possibility of me eating whilst drunk.

I sure hope this plan works. Wish me luck!

Evening blurs and night time hunger pains

I decided to walk home from work today. Baaaad idea. I live about an hour away from the mall where I work and I smoked about 5 cigarettes on my walk. I now feel incredibly drained and dizzy and halfway home I almost fainted. I need to start taking the bus. But! At least my walk home made me burn 300 calories, along with being on my feet all day, I believe I exercised quite a bit. I am just totally drained. Everything is blurry and I can't think straight. I keep on making spelling mistakes and having to go back and re-write my sentencese. xD

Luckily I have the day off tomorrow so I get a day to relax and surround myself with thinspiration and diet pepsi. My 3 day fast is going great, my dad bought the lie I told him about eating at work, so I don't have to have dinner tonight. I am going to drink water until about 7:00, and then have my dinner, which is diet pepsi. I was going to have my choice diet beverage; Diet Ginger ale, but my mother drank it all... Oh well. At least I have something sweet to quench my tastebuds.

I plan on hitting the hay early tonight, I want to avoid my prime time for binging, which is late at night. I am starting to get some cramping and stinging in my stomach, I'm not sure if I would call it a full-on hunger pain, but I can assume by tonight I will start getting them. I get them so easily, some people get them after 2 days of fasting, I get them if I haven't eaten in 24 hours, which I haven't.

Also I really hope to reach out to some people on here, so far I have not seen any feedback for my blog, but I suppose in time people will notice me. I know you lovely ladies are out there!

Morning Motivation

Just some beautiful girls to start the day off with a little motivation

Good/Bad morning,

I weighed myself this morning and I am at a steady 118. So I gained 1 pound from that food that was practically forced down my throat, but it could be worse, so I'm just thanking my lucky stars. I have to work again today, and hopefully all goes well, I do need this job but I hate working around food, and I don't even get a break while working. I work from 12 to 5 pm, so I assume I deserve at least a 15 minute break, but yesterday I didn't get one. Hopefully today will be different. I can't take working on my feet for 5 hours straight, my back starts to ache excruciatingly and I get very dizzy and tired. I got a good nights sleep for once, I fell asleep at 10 pm and I woke up today at 6:30. That's a good 8 hours. Today is the start of my 3 day fast, and so far it's not going to a good start. I feel a bit weak and icky. This will pass eventually and I know that, but for now it's not a very good feeling. Good thing I have a good 4 hours before work starts, I can relax and try to rejuvenate myself. This mornings breakfast: a teaspoon of apple cider vinegar (burns calories and raises metabolism), 2 cups of coffee and a cigarette. My lunch will probably be diet ginger ale from the store before I go to work, and after work I will probably have more diet ginger ale and a cigarette. I choose diet ginger ale for my fasting diet beverage because ginger ale helps calm the acidity in my stomach, I get very nauseous when I don't eat.

Oh! I almost forgot to tell you all! Yesterday while working I got my first hunger pains. I missed that feeling very much so, and even though it hurt, I felt so happy to get them, it means my stomach is shrinking! So I hope you all have a glorious day, it's another beautiful day, and I haven't made any mistakes yet regarding my diet, and I plan on keeping it that way all day.

Fuck you food....

Today has been disgustingly dreadful. Everything was fine until I got home at around 9 pm and my father decided I lied about eating before I came home, he threw out my soup and made me eat 2 fat pieces of chicken and a big fat bowl of potato chips. He said I could not leave the table until I ate all of it. I am bloated and fat and gross and I tried to throw up but I can't. I HATE feeling full. I hate feeling like this. I hate my father for doing this to me. I can't wait to get out of here.

My plan for dodging this fat bullet: 3 day fast.

Tomorrow and thursday and friday I am only going to have liquids. Water, Diet Soda, Tea, Coffee.

Coffee is my "safe food", even though it's technically not food, I can drink it and it makes me feel full and it wakes me up and it helps me survive the day. I love coffee.

My stomach hurts.

Beautiful day!

The sun woke me this morning, shining brightly on my face. Oh it was so nice it warmed my entire body. it is just past 10 am, I have plenty of time before I catch my bus to the mall for my new job. Since I know I'm going to need the energy I am making 8 cups of coffee, a stronger blend, and I'm having a fruit cup of peaches and 8 strawberries. That comes to about 130 calories, which will probably get burnt off by 3 pm. When I come home I plan on having veggie soup and then diet ginger ale. This will bring my calorie count up another 200 calories. This means I will have ingested 330 calories for the entire day, but I will have burnt off about 160. So I will have only had 170 calories today. Oh I can feel myself getting thinner. I can see my stomach flattening, even though the scale has not gone down since this morning at 4 am, I can still feel it. Soon I will see more of my ribs sticking out through my pale skin, soon I will see more collar bone, soon I will see more hip bones.... What a beautiful day it is.

4:00 am

It is very early morning, I fear I won't be sleeping tonight, and I have to leave my house for work today at 11 am. I hope I am not a complete zombie, I have to be able to function properly for my first day of work. I really need this job if I ever want to get out of my parents house and into my own place. Wish me luck my dears, and I hope you all have deliciously empty stomachs and extremely strong willpower throughout your day. I know I do.

Oh and just an update, this morning my scale reads 117. 2 more pounds and I will be at my goal weight. I assume if I stick to my diet I will achieve this goal by tonight.

A few words to motivate you girls just aching to break free from your bodies and becoming the beautiful thin creatures you all dream of being: Just remember, though at some times you can't think of anything else but food, just hold your fat, pinch an inch, take a deep breath and imagine in your head how much better you would look once that fat has evaporated. If you eat, that fat will only grow. Do you want to get thinner, or fatter? I believe we all know the answer to that.

Think thin, think beauty, think skin and bones.

End of day 1 of my new diet.

I am pleased to report that as of 10:07 pm the only thing that I have ingested today is 3 cups of coffee and cigarettes. I am now sipping on a glass of ice cold diet ginger ale, and I am very happy about this. I didn't even eat anything! I am also starting a new job tomorrow at a pizza place in the mall in my town, so I am very happy to finally be working. I just hope being surrounded by food doesn't make me weaker. So wish me luck my darlings! I hope all goes well. :)

Juat a little thinspiration for us all....

Day 1 of my new diet.

Good morning my lovelies. I hope you all slept well. I had a terrible sleep, I need to start taking sleeping pills again. It is now 3 pm, so it's not exactly morning, but I fell asleep around 10 am, so it's understandable that this is when I would wake up. Today my plan is to have coffee and a cigarette for breakfast; it is the breakfast of champions. For lunch I am going to have 8 strawberries, I love the way they look, they are so petite and cute. For dinner it's a salad with sliced up green peppers and carrots and celery. This all comes to about 260 calories, 80 for the strawberries, 150 for the salad, and my coffee has whitener in it, that adds to about 30 more calories. My night time snack is usually water or diet soda, and a cigarette. I do love my diet ginger ale, calms the nausea in my stomach from not eating, and it tastes delicious.

You should all make diet plans if you have not done so already. It helps you really keep control because you know what and when you are eating and so you wait it out until you can eat. I have faith in all of you! We can all strive harder, eat less, and work our way up to being angelically beautiful.

My love

Ribs are a girl's best friend

Hello little ones.

This is Morticia Bones, I am here to help all of you who struggle with their weight, who dream of being small and fragile and thin, as well as continue on my journey to be skin and bones. I want to see ribs, I want to see hip bones, I want to see collar bones, I want to see knee bones and ankle bones and pale skin stretched over bony thin fingers and feet. I strive to be light as a feather, I strive to be petite, and I will get what I want. This is the attitude that I chose to have about this, I feel that if I tell myself I WILL do it, then I believe I will, and so I will. You should all think the same way, don't worry about failure, don't think about food, food will only weigh you down, slow you down, and make you fatter. Eat to stay alive, to stay conscious, don't eat because you WANT to. Who WANTS to get fat? Because if you say you WANT a certain food that's pretty much what you are saying. I for one, do not want to be fat. I long to see the numbers on the scale go down, down, down.

Current BMI - 17.5
Current Weight - 120
Current Height - 5'9
Goal Weight - 115
Ultimate Goal Weight - 110-105