Day 3

So today is a shitty day. I can't even eat CONTROLLED meals. I got so hungry today.... I binged and purged twice tonight. I just can't seem to sleep and when I can't sleep I get so anxious.... time just stretches ahead of me and I feel panicked and all I want to do is eat and eat and eat to stuff those emotions down. I've been reading Wasted and it's freaky how alike me and Marya are, when she was in her bulimia stage. I want to find out how she got rid of her bulimia... I'm so sick of mine. Marya says in her book that she pictures her ED like stepping into a netherworld, through the looking glass, like she was in another world all inside her head. I picture my bulimia like a little fat girl, screaming for food, wanting to eat everything it can get its hands on. When I don't binge I find I get agitated VERY easily. I picture my anorexia like a quiet thin little girl being smothered by the fat girl, whispering in my ear all the things I shouldn't eat, shouldn't be doing, should be doing this instead.... "Instead of eating this go for a walk, have a few cigarettes, take a few diet pills. You know you'll just regret it after you swallow it" And I DO. I do regret it.

So far the only one who has fucked me over is the little fat girl. She's told me I'll feel better once I binge and purge, I'll still loose weight, I'll still look perfect, I'll be relaxed and I'll be able to rest. But it's not true. I can't sleep even after I binge and purge, I just feel less anxious about the time stretching ahead of me. I don't get thinner I am stuck at 128-133. I don't look good, my eyes are bloodshot and my throat puffs up like a bullfrog and it hurts so much. My parents know about it now and it's so stressful just EATING in the first place around them. It hurts so much that when I puke the only thing my mother does is yell at me for making a mess.

"You better have cleaned up your MESS in the bathroom! You better have used lysol!!! I don't want that bathroom smelling like your disgusting waste!!! That's what it is you know, it's a fucking waste! You're wasting food!" It makes me want to binge and purge MORE because I feel so ashamed, so hurt, so panicked.

I am trying to do something new tomorrow. A new plan. Slowly reducing my calories from 1000 to 0 and then back up to 600. 600 will be my "Maximum amount".

Day 1 - 1000 calories.
Breakfast - fruit, 1 egg (300 cal)
Snack - fruit/veggies (100 cal)
Lunch - Salad/veggies (200 cal)
Snack - Jell-o (40 cal)
Dinner - Fish (200 cal)
Snack - fruit (100 cal)
Total -940 cal

This isn't exactly 1000 calories.... but it's not like I want to get up to that much, I just want to make 1000 my maximum. I think that if I wake up around 11/12 I'll have my breakfast then with my coffee, then everything else follows at 3 hour intervals. I think if I just have smaller meals multiple times a day I can cut out the middle man and not feel the need to binge so intensely. The only problem I foresee is dinner time, because my mother and father LOVE to eat and when they get home from work they make a feast. That is my main time for binging.

The day after this I plan to eat a max of 800 cal.... then 600, then 400, then 200, then 0, and then so on back up till 600. I hope this works...

I'll just cross my fingers and shut my eyes tight and hope the fat girl's screaming fades. I can feel the little thin girl getting stronger. Her voice is growing louder. Soon it will consume me, while I consume nothing.

Day 2

One slip-up at 2 am this morning. I binged. I didn't purge though. I refuse to purge, until my mouth and throat heals first at least. I have done good so far today, I plan to keep it that way. I bought a book, Wasted, by Marya Hornbacher, it is apparently very good, and also I couldn't find my favorite ED book (More than you can chew) at the chapters near my house. It's HUGE but has such a small collection of ED books it's a little pathetic.

Anyway, today I've had coffee and my multi-vitamin. That's it.

Time is 5:50 pm. I'll report back sometime around midnight.

Day 1

Middle of day 1. I woke up from my 'cat-nap' 15 minutes ago.

I am extremely proud of myself, because when I was in the kitchen making my coffee I came across chocolate christmas cookies.... and I stood there staring at them for like 2 minutes... my brain going "OH FUCK.... well you can just have a few of these it's still technically morning for you...." But I knew once I started I wouldnt stop and then it would turn into a whole day binge. Again. I don't want that. Only coffee and ice water and pills for me today.

I might be going to see a movie or something later on today, so that will be a good distraction.

Day 1

Without food. I can't sleep. I'm reading Deadpool. (For all of you non-comic book geeks out there, it's a comic.... my favorite comic actually.) Wanna see?


Hahaha. That shit always makes me giggle.

Anyway, I'm planning on getting another piercing soon, I have my lip and my belly button pierced, along with bats tattoed on my hips. My next amazing idea is to get the Spider-man symbol tattooed to my wrist. Yes I love Spider-man that much. Why am I talking about comics and body modifications on a ED blog? I dunno... maybe just to distract myself from the obvious fact that I'm FAT from all that eating I did yesterday.... -_-

Anyway, I plan to post a short little update twice a day until thursday, to keep myself on track with my fast. Wish me luck. <3

I am a promiscuous Anorexic/Bulimic with attachment issues, OCD, ADHD, anxiety, and depression.

Yes apparently I have been diagnosed with all of these. I'm a horrible, horrible person. I shall explain to you how I am each of these things, simply because this is my blog, so I can do whatever the hell I want to, and no one would read it anyway.

I'm promiscuous because I like sex. I will let almost any guy have sex with me, but only if I have no real feelings for him. If I actually CARE about him, then I am incredibly self conscious and declined to do it. (Declined? Inclined? Whatever.)

I am obviously anorexic/bulimic, that in itself is self explanatory. (See ENTIRE BLOG for details.)

I have attachment issues because I never let anyone close to me, as soon as I start feeling more attached to another human being I automatically push him/her away, I need my personal space, I don't like human intimacy all that much and I don't like being touched a lot either. This is obviously bad for relationships, so I can't maintain one to save my life. I am technically in one now, with a rather inexperienced guy, who is smart and funny and sweet, but we are pretty dysfunctional, and he knows all about my problems. He worries about me, I hurt him and I know I do, I upset him when I'm anti social and when I don't want him to touch me. What kind of person doesn't want their significant other to touch them?? I'm fucked.

I have OCD in a few different ways, nothing major, but they can be quite annoying. I always have short nails because I can't maintain long ones, if one chips or one is shorter than the rest, I have to make them ALL the same length. I hate uneven nails. I have this urge to rip labels off of everything; lighters, water bottles, beer bottles, tags, alcohol and any other miscellaneous item with a sticky tag. If someone takes said item away from me mid-rip, or before I have started ripping it off, I will throw a fit. I have to have the volume on a tv or radio at intervals of 5, for example 5, 10, 15, 20, etc. If someone changes the volume to say, 13, I will have to change it back or else I will never stop thinking about it the rest of the day. Pretty silly isn't it?

My ADHD is probably my only sunshine on a rainy day. I am naturally hyper, quick to laugh, although I tend to laugh at horrid things, I have trouble remembering things like peoples names and faces and other unimportant things, but useless facts and knowledge about things I remember for years. For example, I still remember my phone number for the place I grew up in, that I moved out of 14 years ago, (266 3892) yet I can't remember what I had for breakfast or the name of the girl that was introduced to me the other day at a christmas party. I can't ever stop moving, even now as I am sitting in this chair I am bouncing one of my legs up and down.

I have had multiple anxiety attacks and am just an all around nervous person most of the time. I am jittery and talk alot, which can also stem from my ADHD, but I also don't like being stared at, I don't like attention in general, and sometimes I struggle to breathe in situations where I am the center of attention.

Depression is easy. I am unmotivated to get on with my life simple because I know there's nothing good out there for me. I don't see a point in getting a job and moving out other than it will be easier to bask in my eating disorder. I don't see a point in socializing other than the fact that it will keep me occupied, keep me from feeling lonely. I would much rather lay in my bed all day with the curtains drawn to keep out the daylight and just listen to my mp3 player for hours and hours.

I am sharing this with you all now (whoever you may be, and if you're still here, wow. I feel sorry for you) because I had a 6 hour talk with the male version of myself. Minus the eating disorder. He is so incredibly interesting I could talk to him for days and days without even looking away.

I want to see him soon.

2 days of hell.

Spent yesterday eating and puking, all those fucking holiday treats and christmas dinner. Gross.

I then got drunk and wound up having sex with a friend I hadn't seen in ages. Alcohol on an empty stomach is STUPID. I passed out at 4 am woke up at 10 with a hangover, and still a bit drunk. When I'm drunk I don't care about my weight and I EAT. So today, guess what? I ate and ate and ate. I am refraining from puking again, but I am going to fast for the next 3 days. Coffee and icewater and cigarettes. That's IT.

Fuck my life.

Christmas

It's christmas eve, the family dinner is tonight. I am trying to fast. I think I will have the strength to refuse food. I can just say I'm not hungry. Can't I?

I'll report back as soon as possible.

Struggling...

I hate this. I hate myself for being this fucked up. I can't even maintain a romantic relationship I'm too scared of getting close to anyone. I have been struggling so much with my bulimia, and I can't sleep unless I binge and purge. So here I am at 4 am trying to ignore the fattie inside of my head screaming at me to go to the fridge and get something, ANYTHING, to just inhale and purge. I don't know when this got so bad, I don't know how the voice of anorexia became a faint whisper and the voice of my bulimia just became a constant scream. It fills my head, all I can think of is food, food, food, eat, eat, eat, eat, binge purge. 'You know you want that chicken, and maybe that rice, and then some bread to top it off. Remember to drink water, lots of water, in between bites. Remember to grab your toothbrush from your room before you go to the bathroom and get rid of it all" The voice goes on and on in my head.

I'm trying to concentrate on the tiny voice of ana, trying to think about how much I DON'T want to be this person anymore, how much I disgust myself. I could be so strong if I just got over this. Things will get better if I just make it over this hurdle. Eventually I'll be able to sleep again, eventually I'll be able to NOT want that bag of chips in the cupboard... I hope.

Goodbye forever, Bulimia

I had an epiphany last night after binging and purging for the second time in one night, and I would up rupturing my esophagus and throwing up blood. I realized how out of control I was. I also realized if I didn't stop myself now and get back in control I will die. I have embraced my ana tendencies and hope that I can regain control over what goes in my mouth, if I ever want to save myself.

I wish I had someone to talk to that understood this feeling. It's depressing me to no end but I have hope for the future... maybe one day I will be happy.

Christmas time and bulimia

So it is officially december, less than a month away from christmas. I have mixed feelings about christmas, it fuels the fat little bulimic inside of me. I LOVE stuffing and turkey and gravy, and all the desserts and christmas cookies and the christmas chocolates my mom stuffs my stocking full of every year. It's just hard to control myself, it's starting to get harder and harder, and I'm actually a bit terrified. This is the reason why I haven't posted in a while, not that anyone reads these things anyway. I've been struggling with my bulimia for the past few weeks. It's ridiculous, I wake up each morning thinking "Okay I can do this, coffee for breakfast, maybe an apple, and then nothing all day, when I come home at night, I can have a salad with veggies or just veggies. That's it."
But when I come home and I see and smell the food my mom made for dinner for her and my dad.... I just lose control. Once I take that first little bite, even if it's just a piece of carrot, my mind just stops working and my body goes into this little frenzy and grabs like everything it can find and I just eat and eat and eat and eat until I'm so full I'm bloated and then my brain walks in and sees what my body has done and I flip out. I run to the washroom and puke. I can't control it. I can barely control it when I'm not eating all day, but when I get home at night it's just... terrible. I've done that up to 4 times in one night, and it's taking it's toll. My mouth feels raw, my throat hurts, my cheeks are slightly swollen, my eyes go bloodshot when I do it, I have all these sores in my mouth, and now I have to eat SO MUCH it's like I can't stop until all the food is gone. I'm so scared that one of these days I'm going to rip open my stomach or puncture my esophagus or even have a hernia. I'm terrified of what I can't control and I need my anorexia more than ever, to save me, in a sense. Because I know I will never eat normally and not puke. I wish I had someone to talk to, that's going through this as well, all the blogs about ED's on here tend to be about Ana, but there are people who suffer from MIA as well. I hope I reach some of them.

A virus killed my computer

Yes it is true! A virus attacked my computer and completely mutilated it, it had to be taken into a shop type place and they had to fix it. They had it for one week, but before that it was just sitting in my house being useless and dead. I am very sorry for not updating you guys, or whoever actually READS my blogs anyway. xD

Well pretty much I am stuck at 125. I don't know why or how but I eat roughly 500 calories a day, I am out walking and living my life, and I am still 125 pounds. I can't seem to lose anymore, and it is very frustrating. I want to fast but then again I don't because the last time I fasted I passed out in downtown toronto and woke up in the hospital. They told my parents I was malnourished, those fuckers.

Anyway, I am glad to be back and I hope to write more soon. I have not been very busy, my life is actually quite boring, but today I saw an ex of mine and we hung out for a bit, he bought me smokes, and he told me how "different" I looked. I asked him how I looked different, and he said I look smaller. I tried to ignore his compliment but I smiled and said thank you, and for a moment I felt happy with myself. Then we passed by a store window and I got a glimpse of my reflection and what I saw was anything BUT small. I looked like a hippo. I was so self conscious afterwards, I kept trying to look as thin as possible, trying to make sure he didn't realize I wasn't small at all. It was extremely exhausting.

In other news, I have started to date this guy, he's extremely tall, even for me he is tall, I only reach his chest and I'm 5'9! His name is Chris and he is sweet and kind and thoughtful and funny, and he treats me like a princess. I really care about him alot, I even tried to eat for him. He doesn't know about my ED and I don't want him to know, so I always try to eat even a bit around him so he doesn't suspect. Sadly that makes me not want to see him often, so I keep making excuses not to go see him, we talk on the phone and on msn every day instead. I miss him alot, but I don't want to have to eat that much! It's very frustrating.

Halloween.

So, this year for Halloween, I decided to be myself, yet again. I figure I myself am terrifying and freaky enough for Halloween. So I bought a pretty dress that makes me feel like a princess with metal and criss-crossing ties all down the sides, and I promised myself I would lose 10 pounds in the month that I got it so that I could look nicer in it. I did not keep this promise. Since I've been on my medication I have been acting very weird, I've been myself but not, I feel like I'm standing outside of my body staring at myself but not understanding why I'm doing the things I am doing. It's like when I stare at the gap between my legs, seeing it but not understanding it. So anyways, I've been having days where I don't eat a single thing, and days where I eat and purge up to 5 times in one day. It's scary as hell to me, how little control I have over what my mind tells my body to do.

Tonight is the day before Halloween, I am going to a Halloween party with my incredibly light and bubbly wine spritzers, and I just hope I don't drink anymore than that. Much more than that and I might get sick or even worse, do something retarded. But this party should be fun, I don't really like parties usually but I want to get out there more, meet more people with jobs and cars and whatnot, get out of this faze of only hanging out with people that fail at life.

Anyways, I have lost a a few pounds, I'm at a steady 128 and I have been for over a week now. I just can't seem to get that stupid scale to go any lower. I might fast, but I am going to wait until I know I have total control over my body before I do.

Oh, and Happy Halloween everyone <3

Vacation

My parents left this morning, they are going on a 'romantic' vacation to niagra falls. They are staying there for 3 nights and 3 days. So tonight I am having a few friends over and we are going to hang out, watch horror movies, and play video games. I'm so excited to have the house to myself it's not even funny how hyper and antsy I am. xD

This morning after they left I sparked a cigarette in my bed, and relaxed and smoked and thought about all the fun shit I'm going to get to do on my 3 nights of freedom. I can't drink of course, my pills don't permit that. But I will be able to do whatever I want, I can blast music at 4 am and dance around in my undies, I can go out for walks at midnight and meet up with people. I can do pretty much anything. I feel like I have my own house for these three days, and ohhhhhh freedom smells so sweet.

Hello munchkins!!

I am so sorry I haven't posted in such a long time. Long story short, I went on medication, I'm very restless and wired all the time, so I didn't have much attention span for writing, and also I forgot my password for the longest time. xD

I do apologize little ones. I hope you are all doing well in your fight to perfection, but I also hope you are healthy and well. I came to a revelation the other day, but before I tell you about it I have to explain to you the dreams I have been having. I keep getting these dreams about food, eating food, gaining weight and then eating MORE food, it's like.... my biggest fear. I wake up sweating my ass off and reaching instantly for my hip bones. It's a freaking nightmare. Anyway, one morning at like 3 or 4 am I woke up from another one of these dreams, and I couldn't sleep afterwards, so I started doing my morning rituals; taking off my nightie and staring at myself in the mirror naked, picking at my fat, spinning on the balls of my feet and sucking in to see how many ribs stick out from the side, from the front, from the back. I want to not have to suck in in order to see more than one rib. I want to be able to see all my ribs just from sitting, standing, whatever. Anyway, after I pick myself apart in front of the mirror I then go pee, and weigh myself. After weighing myself I grab a pencil and stand up with my back against the wall, putting little nicks where my waist ends, where my hips end. If I gained weight I don't do this, it's too painful to see if I actually got wider, but if I have lost a pound or two then I do, and I smile when I see that I have shrunk an inch.

After my measureing and weighing I do a bit of yoga to relax me and stretch my muscles. Usually I try to clear my mind while I meditate, but this time a thought occured to me, as I reviewed my weight loss and measurements and calculated how much I was going to eat today in order to lose an extra pound. This thought was that I was going to die. I thought about my binging and purging problem, how much more serious it was than restricting, since I have done it for much longer and it's gotten to the point where my teeth are incredibly sensitive, my throat is always raw, and my insides hurt when I purge. I realized if I didn't quit binging and purging for good I would eventually kill myself. I would rip open my stomach, or corrode an artery or have a heart attack. I know that it's putting strain on my heart, I can feel chest pains when I do it now. I get heart palpitations and sometimes I feel my heart beating irregularly. The worst part is, I know all of this, yet I can't stop eating and throwing up. I can't accept that much food in my stomach, I can't stand feeling full it drives me crazy. So when I lose control and I eat, or when I'm forced to eat by my parents, there is no other choice. I have to do it, I feel like I will die if I don't. But I know I will die if I do.... eventually.

So that's when I started thinking about you. Yes, you. You may or may not have bulimia in your life, you may think you eat enough to stay healthy, you may fast and fast and fast until you faint. But we all have one desire that connects us, and that is the desire to be perfect, to be tiny, to see the numbers on the scale dissolve, so see our bones and feel them jutting out of our bodies, to shiver when we feel the frigid air outside even though it's spring time and everyone is wearing t-shirts, to slip into a size 0 with ease, and to feel dizzy after realizing we haven't eaten in days.

This will one day kill us all, if we don't get help, or at least help ourselves. This scares the crap out of me, but for some reason I don't care. Right now I can't get better. Right now I need this.

I hope some of you think differently, I hope you get the help you need. For me it's always too soon, too early. Just 10 more pounds here, just 5 more pounds there... And then I'll disappear.

Update!

I am pleased to report that I have lost 8 pounds. I am starting a fast today, and I am going shopping for clothes that are 2 sizes too small for me, which is going to be hard since I am already a size 3-5 in jeans and a small in shirts. Size 0 here I come! I have to buy winter clothes because it's starting to get very chilly outside.

I hope to update again soon. Maybe add a few photos of myself once I loose enough weight.

I am also looking for a job, since I quit my last one. I can't work around food, or with customers. I'm not good with people.

Yoga, anyone?

In the absence of sleep I have decided to spend most of my early mornings in my dark room waiting for the sun to rise. This morning at approximately 3 am, I started excersising. I felt gross and was pinching my fat all over my body, I just couldn't resist working out.

After I felt incredibly dizzy and had to sit down. I sat on the cold ceramic tiles on my floor, and started trying to control my breathing. Before I knew it I was almost meditating, and I actually found it quite relaxing. After about 10 minutes of meditation I did a few stretches and moves that I had seen on tv before. They actually relaxed me quite a bit, and made me feel calm but rejuvenated!

I think I am going to start doing yoga every morning. Does anyone else do yoga at all? Does it help with weight loss or toning up?

jigglies and shivers

Does anyone else get so grossed out by obese people that they shudder? Gag? Cover their eyes and turn the other way? Because I do. I can sit and watch the goriest movies and music videos with people getting gutted and skull fucked while sipping on diet soda or chewing gum and feel just dandy, but when it comes to seeing reverse thinspo on youtube, I actually have to exit the screen after about 4 seconds. I shudder, wince, squeal and feel nauseous just looking at the rolls of fat. I don't know how anyone can become that obese, when I gain about 5 pounds and flip out. It's hard to grasp the concept of someone not noticing their body growing THAT MUCH. It scares the crap out of me. Fat scares the crap out of me. I actually get freaked out. Over fat people. All the while going "Ohhhh micheal myers! <3333" when I watch the Halloween movies. I'm weird.

Also I wanted to know if anyone else gets grossed out by the jigglies. Do you ever jump up and down or move suddenly or sit in a car and go over a bump and FEEL your fat sort of jiggle? It is the worst feeling ever for me. I freak out. I mean what IS that? People tell me "oh you're so skinny oh you should eat" but my arms JIGGLE if they get shaken hard enough. Maybe it's all in my head. Drives me crazy though.

new medication

Hello again, I come to you today drugged up and ready to face another day. My doctor has prescribed anti depressants/anti anxiety pills for me. I have taken them for about a week now. Some of the possible side effects are insomnia, drowsiness, weight gain, weight loss, irritability, calmness, nausea, headaches, and a bunch of other random things. It;s very contradicting, I guess it just depends on the person. I have so far been sleeping much much less, which pretty much means no sleep at all, since I already suffered from insomnia in the first place, and so far they haven't made me eat any more or any less, so that's good. I just hope they don't make me gain any weight, or else I will slaughter someone. I have gained about 7 pounds in the past few weeks, mostly because my parents found my diet pills and my thinspiration pictures and my diet plan, so they have been making me eat three full meals a day. I started purging 2 of them per day, lunch and dinner, until 2 nights ago I couldn't purge. I had this problem when I was bulimic, my throat got too swollen and my gag reflex wouldn't work, despite my desperate efforts. That was one of the reasons why I tried to recover from it, other than the obvious horrible things I was doing to my body.

Anyways, being almost 130 pounds has kicked me to the edge of my sanity, the only thing keeping me from becoming incredibly depressed is my pills, although I still think about depressing things, and I HATE how much weight I have gained, I don't feel depressed about it, I feel nothing really. I don't really care about anything right now, the only thing that I do care about is loosing the weight. My parents are going away for a week so I get the house to myself, I have a fridge full of fruits and veggies and a cupboard full of soup and tuna, and I have created a new diet plan. Since my parents found out my eating issues on my computer account, the only ED related thing I will be doing on the computer is on here and on youtube, so they can't find it. My diet plan is a daily ritual, I write my meal plans on a piece of paper, keep it with me at all times, and throw it out at the end of the day. Luckily I hid my scale from my mother or else I would have no idea what my weight will be at the end of the week.

Today's meal plan consists of green tea, which I already had, coffee, which is being brewed as I make this entry, 1 egg (100 cals) fills me up and gives me engery, a small bowl of corn (200 cals), and for dinner a can of tuna with sliced celery (200 cals), and for my evening snack: a bowl of sugar free jell-o (40 cals). That brings my total up to 540 calories for the day. Wish me luck. ^-^

In and out of the loony bin.

I had a breakdown over a burger. Cried, threw things, ran to the washroom, tried to throw up, couldn't, screamed, snarled, swore, and drove my fists into the wall. I gave up my sanity for 4 days, eating when my parents forced me, lay in bed when I was supposed to sleep, didn't talk, didn't think, I was a robot.

But I'm back.

I looked at myself in front of the mirror and I started to cry. I woke up, realized how fat I was. Realized I had to fight if I ever wanted to be happy. No food ever satisfies me, so I quit eating. I've had coffee today. My mother is making steak and potatoes and veggies for dinner. It smells delicious, but I don't even want it. I'm not hungry, I'm too disgusted at my own body. I'm too scared to weigh myself right now, see how fat I've gotten over these 4 or so days, I am going to wait until my stomach flattens out, until I feel dizzy, until I pass out from exhaustion of doing my workouts, before I weigh myself.

I might not write for a while, but I will keep giving thinspiration through my video's on youtube.

http://www.youtube.com/user/AngelAnaDemon

I will keep in touch. xoxo

Frustrations

I decided since I was going to drink this afternoon that I should eat a little something. So I made my light, low-cal chicken soup. I was eating it fine all slowly and whatnot, until I just lost control of myself and I started eating everything in sight. Strawberries, I chugged soy milk, and I ate oatmeal crisp cereal right out of the box. I immediately ran to the washroom and puked most of it up, but I just feel so stupid. And now I can't decide what to drink, I'm trying to find the drink with the lowest amount of calories, it's incredibly frustrating and I'm thinking I should just drink whatever is strongest and cheapest and I'll continue my fast for the rest of these 2 days and that will be it. I don't care anymore I already know I've gained water weight from that binge and I know the alcohol won't add anything more to me because I'll just piss it out. I'm very pissed off at myself and I want to get drunk.

Coffee + Cigarette = Good morning!

I woke up this morning at 6:30 on the dot. I don't know why I have been waking up so early every day, at the exact same time, but who knows? I am glad I do because then I fall asleep earlier at night and I'm not up half the night sitting next to a dark kitchen full of food just calling to me.

Today is day 2 of my fast, so far a good start. I woke up, lay in bed for half an hour, and then got out of bed, ran a bath, made coffee, and had my nice hot bath with bubbles and Epsom salts. I lovveee taking hot baths in the morning, especially when it's FREEZING in my house, which it has been for the last few days, because my mother is insane and opens all the windows in the house each night even though it's below 10 degrees Celsius out there. I have about 4 blankets on my bed right now to keep me from freezing to death. Anywho, after my bath I put on my favorite body butter (it smells like melons!) and then took a swig of apple cider vinegar, had a glass of water to wash it down, and then had a cup of coffee. I am so glad I finally have splenda again, for a few weeks I had none so I had to drink coffee without any sugar, and believe me, it did NOT taste good. I actually went to tim hortons one day and stole a bunch of sweet-n-lows before running out of the store just so I could have something sweet to put in my coffee.

If you read my previous blog, then you know that I was debating on whether or not I was going to get drunk today. I have decided to go for it, I am going to buy a 6 pack of light beer and I'm going to down 3 of them and give the other 3 to my friend, and that will get me tipsy for a good 2 hours. This way I have control over myself, I know what I'm doing, and I don't come home drunk and raid the fridge. Let's all cross our fingers and hope this works! I really do miss drinking, I used to almost every weekend, and then I stopped about 6 months ago because I wasn't loosing enough weight because I would eat everytime I drank.

Well my dears, I hope you all have splendidly stellar days filled with thinspiration and motivation and diet beverages.

Hair dye and hunger pains

As I sit here making this entry I have a very itchy head as there is black hair dye in it. I just had to touch up my roots and decided to do the whole head to make it look shinier and black.....er. Yes. So I have not eaten at all today, I am so happy that I am past my temptation faze. I threw out the leftover food that was tempting me, and I distracted myself with a book, and now I don't feel hungry at all! I'm so proud of myself. Anyway, as I was putting in my hair dye, I started getting full on hunger pains. It was rather painful but I was happy nonetheless. I'm actually having them a bit right now. Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

...As I was saying. I feel very good and happy that my plans to fast are succeeding rather well. My parents are none the wiser to my plans, they think I ate at work and also at dinner. ;D

Tomorrow I am supposedly getting drunk though. I'm not sure if I will. A friend just invited me to drink with him since it's my day off. I might just skip it or something. I'm not entirely sure yet. In my past experience with alcohol when I drink it doesn't make me gain any weight, but I do tend to fiend food when I'm hungover or while I'm drunk. I think if I keep control of myself and don't get too drunk then I will be able to eliminate both these problems. If I don't get too drunk then I won't be hungover and crave food the next day, and if I steer my friend clear from anyplace that sells food I can eliminate the possibility of me eating whilst drunk.

I sure hope this plan works. Wish me luck!

Evening blurs and night time hunger pains

I decided to walk home from work today. Baaaad idea. I live about an hour away from the mall where I work and I smoked about 5 cigarettes on my walk. I now feel incredibly drained and dizzy and halfway home I almost fainted. I need to start taking the bus. But! At least my walk home made me burn 300 calories, along with being on my feet all day, I believe I exercised quite a bit. I am just totally drained. Everything is blurry and I can't think straight. I keep on making spelling mistakes and having to go back and re-write my sentencese. xD

Luckily I have the day off tomorrow so I get a day to relax and surround myself with thinspiration and diet pepsi. My 3 day fast is going great, my dad bought the lie I told him about eating at work, so I don't have to have dinner tonight. I am going to drink water until about 7:00, and then have my dinner, which is diet pepsi. I was going to have my choice diet beverage; Diet Ginger ale, but my mother drank it all... Oh well. At least I have something sweet to quench my tastebuds.

I plan on hitting the hay early tonight, I want to avoid my prime time for binging, which is late at night. I am starting to get some cramping and stinging in my stomach, I'm not sure if I would call it a full-on hunger pain, but I can assume by tonight I will start getting them. I get them so easily, some people get them after 2 days of fasting, I get them if I haven't eaten in 24 hours, which I haven't.

Also I really hope to reach out to some people on here, so far I have not seen any feedback for my blog, but I suppose in time people will notice me. I know you lovely ladies are out there!

Morning Motivation

Just some beautiful girls to start the day off with a little motivation

Good/Bad morning,

I weighed myself this morning and I am at a steady 118. So I gained 1 pound from that food that was practically forced down my throat, but it could be worse, so I'm just thanking my lucky stars. I have to work again today, and hopefully all goes well, I do need this job but I hate working around food, and I don't even get a break while working. I work from 12 to 5 pm, so I assume I deserve at least a 15 minute break, but yesterday I didn't get one. Hopefully today will be different. I can't take working on my feet for 5 hours straight, my back starts to ache excruciatingly and I get very dizzy and tired. I got a good nights sleep for once, I fell asleep at 10 pm and I woke up today at 6:30. That's a good 8 hours. Today is the start of my 3 day fast, and so far it's not going to a good start. I feel a bit weak and icky. This will pass eventually and I know that, but for now it's not a very good feeling. Good thing I have a good 4 hours before work starts, I can relax and try to rejuvenate myself. This mornings breakfast: a teaspoon of apple cider vinegar (burns calories and raises metabolism), 2 cups of coffee and a cigarette. My lunch will probably be diet ginger ale from the store before I go to work, and after work I will probably have more diet ginger ale and a cigarette. I choose diet ginger ale for my fasting diet beverage because ginger ale helps calm the acidity in my stomach, I get very nauseous when I don't eat.

Oh! I almost forgot to tell you all! Yesterday while working I got my first hunger pains. I missed that feeling very much so, and even though it hurt, I felt so happy to get them, it means my stomach is shrinking! So I hope you all have a glorious day, it's another beautiful day, and I haven't made any mistakes yet regarding my diet, and I plan on keeping it that way all day.

Fuck you food....

Today has been disgustingly dreadful. Everything was fine until I got home at around 9 pm and my father decided I lied about eating before I came home, he threw out my soup and made me eat 2 fat pieces of chicken and a big fat bowl of potato chips. He said I could not leave the table until I ate all of it. I am bloated and fat and gross and I tried to throw up but I can't. I HATE feeling full. I hate feeling like this. I hate my father for doing this to me. I can't wait to get out of here.

My plan for dodging this fat bullet: 3 day fast.

Tomorrow and thursday and friday I am only going to have liquids. Water, Diet Soda, Tea, Coffee.

Coffee is my "safe food", even though it's technically not food, I can drink it and it makes me feel full and it wakes me up and it helps me survive the day. I love coffee.

My stomach hurts.

Beautiful day!

The sun woke me this morning, shining brightly on my face. Oh it was so nice it warmed my entire body. it is just past 10 am, I have plenty of time before I catch my bus to the mall for my new job. Since I know I'm going to need the energy I am making 8 cups of coffee, a stronger blend, and I'm having a fruit cup of peaches and 8 strawberries. That comes to about 130 calories, which will probably get burnt off by 3 pm. When I come home I plan on having veggie soup and then diet ginger ale. This will bring my calorie count up another 200 calories. This means I will have ingested 330 calories for the entire day, but I will have burnt off about 160. So I will have only had 170 calories today. Oh I can feel myself getting thinner. I can see my stomach flattening, even though the scale has not gone down since this morning at 4 am, I can still feel it. Soon I will see more of my ribs sticking out through my pale skin, soon I will see more collar bone, soon I will see more hip bones.... What a beautiful day it is.

4:00 am

It is very early morning, I fear I won't be sleeping tonight, and I have to leave my house for work today at 11 am. I hope I am not a complete zombie, I have to be able to function properly for my first day of work. I really need this job if I ever want to get out of my parents house and into my own place. Wish me luck my dears, and I hope you all have deliciously empty stomachs and extremely strong willpower throughout your day. I know I do.

Oh and just an update, this morning my scale reads 117. 2 more pounds and I will be at my goal weight. I assume if I stick to my diet I will achieve this goal by tonight.

A few words to motivate you girls just aching to break free from your bodies and becoming the beautiful thin creatures you all dream of being: Just remember, though at some times you can't think of anything else but food, just hold your fat, pinch an inch, take a deep breath and imagine in your head how much better you would look once that fat has evaporated. If you eat, that fat will only grow. Do you want to get thinner, or fatter? I believe we all know the answer to that.

Think thin, think beauty, think skin and bones.

End of day 1 of my new diet.

I am pleased to report that as of 10:07 pm the only thing that I have ingested today is 3 cups of coffee and cigarettes. I am now sipping on a glass of ice cold diet ginger ale, and I am very happy about this. I didn't even eat anything! I am also starting a new job tomorrow at a pizza place in the mall in my town, so I am very happy to finally be working. I just hope being surrounded by food doesn't make me weaker. So wish me luck my darlings! I hope all goes well. :)

Juat a little thinspiration for us all....

Day 1 of my new diet.

Good morning my lovelies. I hope you all slept well. I had a terrible sleep, I need to start taking sleeping pills again. It is now 3 pm, so it's not exactly morning, but I fell asleep around 10 am, so it's understandable that this is when I would wake up. Today my plan is to have coffee and a cigarette for breakfast; it is the breakfast of champions. For lunch I am going to have 8 strawberries, I love the way they look, they are so petite and cute. For dinner it's a salad with sliced up green peppers and carrots and celery. This all comes to about 260 calories, 80 for the strawberries, 150 for the salad, and my coffee has whitener in it, that adds to about 30 more calories. My night time snack is usually water or diet soda, and a cigarette. I do love my diet ginger ale, calms the nausea in my stomach from not eating, and it tastes delicious.

You should all make diet plans if you have not done so already. It helps you really keep control because you know what and when you are eating and so you wait it out until you can eat. I have faith in all of you! We can all strive harder, eat less, and work our way up to being angelically beautiful.

My love

Ribs are a girl's best friend

Hello little ones.

This is Morticia Bones, I am here to help all of you who struggle with their weight, who dream of being small and fragile and thin, as well as continue on my journey to be skin and bones. I want to see ribs, I want to see hip bones, I want to see collar bones, I want to see knee bones and ankle bones and pale skin stretched over bony thin fingers and feet. I strive to be light as a feather, I strive to be petite, and I will get what I want. This is the attitude that I chose to have about this, I feel that if I tell myself I WILL do it, then I believe I will, and so I will. You should all think the same way, don't worry about failure, don't think about food, food will only weigh you down, slow you down, and make you fatter. Eat to stay alive, to stay conscious, don't eat because you WANT to. Who WANTS to get fat? Because if you say you WANT a certain food that's pretty much what you are saying. I for one, do not want to be fat. I long to see the numbers on the scale go down, down, down.

Current BMI - 17.5
Current Weight - 120
Current Height - 5'9
Goal Weight - 115
Ultimate Goal Weight - 110-105